Grab a mouse and surf the Internet

I've wasted hours of my life doing various things I'm too embarrassed to admit. But I think I've gained great insight into humanity, and increased my understanding of the meaning of life by perusing the Internet.

I've found Web sites that help explain to me what my college professors couldn't. I've saved hundreds of dollars shopping, getting free advice and getting the most mileage out of my food. Most importantly, I've amused myself by encountering things I never thought existed, like Urkel-O's - a cereal with the TV character Steve Urkel on the box.

You can take a basic tour of the Web through Online tutorials, but instruction manuals are for the unadventurous, and I've always found the best way to experience something is by experimenting yourself (kids, don't use your math-class logic to apply this to anything else).

There is an endless amount of information on the Internet. Granted, a lot of it is useless stuff (check out pixyland.org/peterpan - a man's site who claims to be a real life Peter Pan), but usually the most random things bring us the most entertainment.



Incredulous and credible

While I can't suggest you use Kim Jong-il's fan-club Web site to write a term paper on the history of North Korea, there are plenty of great places to do reliable research.

Recently, Yale decided to offer free digital videos of some classes online. Learning hasn't always been as noble online - a reporter once got his cat accepted to the University of Phoenix Online - but many colleges and universities are offering free access to services that were once available to only those who paid tuition.

Wikipedia is a great source for encyclopeidia-style information, and has expanded to include credible articles. It's best feature, however, may be the random article button, which every insomniac should check out.



In the flesh

Now that everyone is on the Web, and thanks to the ability to share pictures and videos 24/7 from places as formerly non-Web friendly as a ski lift or subway, there is a higher level of intimacy. Years ago, mail order brides was the closest thing to Internet dating. But now there are dating Web sites for every minor ethnic and social group. So if you are the only Jews-for-Allah adherent on the island of Tuvalu, fret not, for you can spiritually connect with the sole adherent on the Isle of Man.

And the Internet even helps you get in vocal contact. Sick of calling up a customer service hotline and navigating through 15 different messages just to talk to someone? Check out gethuman.com, a database that will get you in touch with a real person sooner than you can select your mail order bride.

Paging Dr. Gore

If you are as much of a spendthrift as me, you'll love using the Internet in lieu of expensive services - like real medical attention. There are plenty of places where you can ask a doctor (hopefully not a second-year medical student) about what it means when you lose the feeling in the tip of you thumb for two hours a day. If, however, you are looking to save face and some cash, there are places like goaskalice.columbia.edu, where you'll get the answer to all those embarrassing health questions.

Roger and me

Just because a movie is a classic or brought tears to your eyes doesn't mean it's perfect. The ever-vigilant eye can only catch so much, but the Internet is a wonderful watchdog for the inane. We all know every Pauly Shore movie has problems with plot, but there are other mistakes that you can check out on imdb.com's goof's section. (In "Bio-Dome," the Bio-Dome is supposed to be airtight but the roof is made of flimsy plastic that blows in the wind).

Even the Bible has a few mistakes: In "The Ten Commandments," when Moses (Charlton Heston) drags an old man out of the mud, the man's wristwatch is visible.

To find out just how the Dukes of Hazzard car can escape from a barrel roll unscathed, or how Chuck Norris can roll into a fall from 40 feet and then get up and karate chop someone, get your physics in order at intuitor.com/moviephysics.

A world gone MacGyver

Thanks to the Internet, even the most kitchen-illiterate individuals can take on a nom de chef like Wolfgang Puck. Cooking sites are quite useful, but let's be realistic - not everyone has a 100-variety spice rack, and if you're like me, you often adopt the creed of a great sage and "Go to the stove with the food you have, not the food you hope to have." For those of us there's cookingbynumbers.com. Tell the site what you have, and it will let you know just what you can make.

And anyone looking to host a party with a bunch of half-empty liquor bottles should go to webtender.com, where you can make drinks like a Golden Cadillac or a Ruptured Duck. Even terrorists can surf the Web to find out what they will need to make an improvised nuclear device to wipe out the infidels, while at the same time updating their sudoko blog.



Sports Writer Ian Cropp can be reached at 748-2935 or icropp@vaildaily.com.