Question: Progress is inevitable, or is it?

Statistically Barry Smith is bound to have thought some significant thoughts, insights and epiphanies. Or not.

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Barry Smith
Vail CO, Colorado
March 26, 2008

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It’s my birthday this week. I’ll be 42.

I take some comfort in the fact that this is how old Elvis was when he died. If I can just hold on for one more trip around the sun, then I’ll officially have more staying power than Elvis. Then we’ll see who the real King is.

Not that I’d be so bold as to compare myself with Elvis, but I think the similarities speak for themselves:

• We were both born in Mississippi.

• We share a love of peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

• We both eat our weight in bacon each year.

• We both embrace the recreational use of pharmaceuticals.

• We both happen to think that we look awesome in jeweled belts, capes and white jumpsuits, and ...

• We’re both right!

After two fifths of a century on the planet you’d think that some sort of progress would be inevitable, right? I mean, even if I’d actively tried to prevent it, statistically I’m bound to have thought some significant thoughts, had some insights and epiphanies, advanced myself mentally, spiritually, emotionally, ... right?

And yeah, I’ve done all these things. In a way. But mostly what I’ve done is spend my life cobbling together lists of random ideas, weird concepts, rhetorical questions and bad puns. If this can be considered “progress,” then I’ve progressed far beyond my (and Elvis’s) years.

Read on to see this “progress” for yourself:

• Remember, there’s no “U” in “savior.” Well, unless you live in England. Or Canada. Or just can’t spell very well.

• Were there “old timey” restaurants in the late 1800s? You know, restaurants with intentionally rustic décor, like old signs on the wall advertising things from long ago at hilariously low prices? A cup of coffee for a nickel?! Ha ha, wow!

How about in the 1700s? 1200s? 8000 BC? I guess my real question is this: How many years after the very first restaurant was opened did someone open a nostalgic replica version of it? And was this proto-retro-restaurant in a cave, with simplistic depictions of hilariously low-priced items painted on the walls? Mastodon steak for two sea shells?! Ha ha, wow!

• It’s really hard to say “I edited it” out loud.

• Rare, medium, well done: An 8-foot albino psychic who failed to predict, and subsequently escape from, an apartment fire.

• Why is it that evolution made all the giant creatures smaller? Why did the dinosaurs evolve into birds? Why didn’t they evolve into even bigger dinosaurs? From pterodactyl to sparrow ... c’mon, that’s hardly progress. Biggerness is progress, right? And how come there aren’t any hamster-sized elephants? ‘Cause I want one.

• While leaving a phone message for someone who has the same first name as you, you can’t help but have that little bit of lilt in your voice when you announce it: “Hey, Barry, it’s me, uh ... ha ha ... Barry. Say, I’m calling because ... etc ...”

• The problem with living by a code, and with honor, is that at some point you will find yourself complaining about those who live WITHOUT a code or honor. And you’re going to do that complaining in a Samurai-like voice.

• Having an excuse is no excuse.

• Things I’ve written down over the years, and now have no idea what they mean:
“The blind guitarist knows when the bass player is yawning.”

“Laff riot — bricks”

“Park in the art”

“White Albert”

“bible humpers”

Suggestions welcome.

• The store where affordable fashion meets the grieving process of death and dying: “Elizabeth Kubler-Ross Dress For Less.”

• If your coffee is too sweet, merely take a bite of really syrupy pancake. Then, when you sip your coffee again, it won’t taste so sweet.

• Bambi-elzebub: Cute little orphaned deer, or Prince of Darkness? Or both?

• You know that pretend-to-throw-the-tennis-ball-but-don’t-actually-let-it-go thing that you sometimes find yourself doing to dogs? Is there an equivalent action that you can fool humans with? If so, I’m guessing it involves a turn signal.

Read more about Barry Smith’s adventures at www.barrysmith.wordpress.com.