The Porchlight Players will present "The Full Monty" as dinner theater fare this February. The following is a fictional account of what might happen to the characters after the show we see ends, in which six out-of-work steel men decide to strip to make some much-needed cash.
The police report
Several performers and audience members were arrested last night at Tony Giordano's in Buffalo for varying offenses including public disturbance, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, resisting arrest and indecent exposure.
Police responded to a call from neighbors of the nightclub concerned with the unusually long line of "loud and brassily obnoxious women" waiting to get in. As four officers arrived on the scene, the women mistook them for Chippendales strippers. "The whoops and hollers were deafening!" said Sergeant Randy Olin, of the Buffalo Police Department. "They were shouting things like, 'take it off, big boy!' and 'show us your Full Monty!' and they were waving dollar bills at us."
But as the doors opened, the ladies rushed inside, leaving the officers alone and confused on the suddenly quiet street.
As the policemen were conferring, a "lusty, unified scream" erupted from inside. They ran in to find six men in the middle of a strip routine. Lt. Craig Poff reports, "At first, we thought it was just a striptease and really no crime was being committed. But then, we realized it was no 'tease' at all! These men actually dropped everything! I don't know how to describe it."
Apparently, Lt. Poff is undergoing counseling pursuant to inter-department policy when witnessing extraordinarily traumatic situations.
Taken into custody were:
Jerry Lukowski, naked as a jaybird and breaking many laws of decorum. Lukowski was also arrested for having his 12-year-old son, Nathan, in tow. "He's the manager of Hot Metal, for God's sake!" he said while being hauled away. We understand that Hot Metal is the name for this band of exotic dancers.
Pam Lukowski, Jerry's ex-wife and mother of Nathan. After being calmed down, Ms. Lukowski was released and given custody of her son. "I thought what Jerry did was actually pretty amazing. Oh shut up, Teddy," she said, giving her current boyfriend a quick jab in the ribs.
Dave Bukatinsky was also buck naked, though wrapped in Saran Wrap in a supposed effort to lose a few inches off his ample girth.
Georgie Bukatinsky, Dave's wife, was placed under arrest for disturbing the peace. The sheer volume of her throaty screams randily directed at her husband would make an airline ground crew wince.
Harold Nichols, in his birthday suit, was brought in for indecent exposure. He wore a towel over his head to avoid the cameras and asked that we not print his name.
Vicki Nichols, Harold's wife, was released for her unmitigated enthusiasm towards the show. She kept covering her husband with kisses as he was being led away.
Malcolm MacGregor, nude, whimpering and crying for his late mother, was escorted and comforted by ...
... Ethan Girard, who was obviously smuggling a large polish sausage under the towel he was wrapped in.
Noah (Horse) Simmons, was seen fleeing through the stage door under guidance of one Jeanette Burmeister, but they were apprehended in the alley. Both were giggling and Ms. Burmeister was under suspicion of imbibing alcoholic beverages. "It's Scotch, you morons!" she blurted at Officer Olin.
The group is awaiting hearing, and will all likely be released on their own recognizance, as everyone now knows exactly who they are.
Bart Garton is a longtime local resident, professional video producer and amateur thespian. Email comments about this column to cschnell@