This Sunday is the Real Man's High Holy Day, Super Bowl Sunday.
You will eat greasy food with your smeared fingers. Because you are an American, you have the inalienable right to eat it standing up as God intended, which will make it easier to wipe your hands on your pants.
You will watch TV for hours and make a bunch of noise during the program.
You will shush your buddies during the commercials and turn up the volume.
The Super Bowl is big and loud. It swaggers. It's long on style and doesn't care a fart in a windstorm about substance.
It is wonderfully, gloriously American. God bless it. Even Beyonce wouldn't lip sync that.
But where to watch it?
Red Mountain Grill is where Outback steakhouse used to be in Avon and in this case, change is great. You could spend $1,500 for tickets in the Superdome cheap seats. Or ski the Beav then head over there.
"We have TVs all over the place, 28 beers on tap. It's probably the best place to watch the game," said Steve Kaufman who owns the place.
They remodeled and opened up the bar area so you can see your friends coming, and tell right away if they're in the proper frame of mind for either elation or humiliation, depending on whether they took Baltimore in the over/under.
Kim Brussow was in San Francisco for a medical convention, trying to drive business to the Vail Valley. She's flying home Sunday and expects to roll into the Red Mountain Grill parking lot during the first quarter, where one of her friends has a bet on the board.
"It should be a national holiday. It's such a fun day. I like the energy of being with people who are having a good time," Brussow said.
If you walk into the libation location and they have a betting pool behind the bar, you know you're among kindred spirits. If the board is completely full, you're among family.
If your bartender introduces you to someone who wants to bet on which team will have someone arrested before kickoff, write him or her into your will, especially if you win.
Or you can ski Vail and end your day at The Red Lion on Bridge Street, the first restaurant in Vail. If the game gets boring, you could scope out the old black and white photos hanging on the walls. It's as good a early history lesson as you could hope for.
Super Bowl sustenance
There are those who want you to count calories and eat healthy during the Super Bowl. They are not True Americans.
God loves you and wants what's best for you, and on Super Bowl Sunday, the Real Man's High Holy Day, God wants you to combine the Two Great Elements of Guy Cuisine, chunks o' meat and fire.
If you're at home or at a friend's home, the trek from the house to the grill becomes a Holy Pilgrimage.
A balanced diet is a cheeseburger in each hand.
If you're at Red Mountain Grill, the Black and Blue burger is a crowd favorite. Also at Red Mountain Grill you'll want to order up some pizza ($5) and wings ($5).
Wander west to Magusto's in Minturn and grab free pizza at halftime, which will give you something to do with your mouth besides make sarcastic remarks about Beyonce's lip syncing. Wings are $7, so get several orders.
The Vail Ale House in West Vail may have one of the best views of Super Bowl action ever conceived. You can watch the game on one of 16 high definition, big-screen televisions, or swivel around in your chair and watch the game on Vail's largest projection screen.
If the game gets dull or the commercials fall flat, you can spend a little quality time with the Ketel One Girls, who are neither dull nor flat, and will be at the Vail Ale House.
Ski a little, find some friends - and on Super Bowl Sunday everyone is a potential friend. Maybe go to church.
Super Bowl Sunday really is the Real Man's High Holy Day and you could probably use a little pre-emptive forgiveness.
Staff Writer Randy Wyrick can be reached at 970-748-2935 or firstname.lastname@example.org.