People, my car is cursed.
I don't think it's a bad car. I don't think it means me any harm. It's like that friend that you really like, but after a while you realize that you seem to end up in some sort of sticky situation more often than not when you're with him. He didn't mean to get you into trouble, it just seems to happen.
Let me explain. I got my car, brand spanking new, in the fall of 2010. I loved my Audi Allroad, but it was over 70 in dog years and was having issues, becoming unreliable. It was time to send it to live on the farm.
So after exhaustive search, I bought a cute little SUV, the Volkswagen Tiguan. I had seriously considered another Audi, but I was trying to reasonable and responsible with my money, so I settled on what I thought was the next best thing, a car from the sister company.
Somewhere along the way I heard or read that the name was inspired by a blending of a tiger and an iguana. Excuse me? What? Could there be two more dissimilar animals? And how exactly are they reflected in this automobile? This amused me, so the car henceforth came to be called The Tiguana.
The honeymoon period lasted about as long as the free satellite radio trial subscription. I came out of a restaurant after dinner with friends to find that The Tiguana had a fresh dent in the back bumper, tracks in the snow clearly diagraming out exactly what had happened. No note was left.
Slightly wounded, we soldiered on. Several months later, someone parked illegally behind me in a parking garage. To get out, I had to do an Austin Powers maneuver back and forth and in the process, scraped both the front left bumper and rear right panel. I did not, however, hit the poorly placed truck. In retrospect, maybe I should have.
2012 was a banner year for The Tiguana, beginning on New Year's Day, 7:40 a.m., when I got the first of a string of speeding tickets coming out of my neighborhood on my way to work. Then another two months later. And another the next month. At that point, I started setting the cruise control the moment I backed out of my driveway.
The year was topped off by being rear-ended at a stop sign four days before Christmas. The hit was hard enough to knock the sunglasses off my face and do more than $7,000 worth of damage. Thankfully, the other driver was fully insured, but I'm still in physical therapy for whiplash and I haven't quite figured out how to bill this insurance for broken glasses. Now, on the speeding tickets I know you can absolutely point to the driver who had her right foot placed too heavily on the gas pedal and did not have her eyes on the speedometer. All true and I own that.
However, it must be noted, I am actually driving slower in The Tiguana than I did in my Audi. And when you throw in the fourth speeding ticket I got two weeks ago, it has more than doubled the number of tickets I had gotten in the previous 30 years of driving! Tell me the car doesn't have something to do with that!
I honestly think all of this is caused by bad energy between The Tiguana and me. I think it senses that I settled for him, that I really wanted the Audi Q5, and he's resentful. It's not the car that's cursed. It's our relationship.
I have learned my lesson. I shouldn't have been reasonable. I should have gotten the car I wanted and avoided all this.
I might have to break up with him. Know anyone who wants a 2011 Tiguan with a new back hatch and bumper and a fragile ego?
Linda Stamper Boyne of Edwards can be contacted through firstname.lastname@example.org