April Fool: New school chief a big surprise
April 1, 2013
EAGLE COUNTY – Political gadfly Michael Cacioppo will run the local school district, the school board announced recently.
Cacioppo has spent more time in school board meetings than most school board members, the board said in announcing their selection.
“He’s been a thorn in the school district’s side for so long, telling us how it should be run, we finally decided that if he thinks he’s so darned smart, he could just show us,” said school board president Jeanne McQueeney.
Cacioppo said he was “overjoyed” at being selected.
“I wasn’t really looking for a job. I usually spend most of my time telling other people how to do theirs. And you know what? I’m usually right” Cacioppo said.
Cacioppo will replace Sandra Smyser as the superintendent of the Eagle County school district. Smyser is leaving to lead a school district in northern Colorado.
“We always appreciate Michael’s input, and it’s always a pleasure to tell him where he can put that input,” Smyser said.
However, Cacioppo recently bought a Toyota Prius that gets more than 50 mpg. He said Northern Colorado is as close as a half tank of gas and an 8 track tape of “Inna Gadda Divida,” if Smyser needs a paradigm pushed – off the edge of a conservative cliff. He said he almost pushed his Prius off a cliff when he learned that Obama bumper stickers come as standard equipment on almost all Prius models.
School board member Brian Nolan called Cacioppo’s appointment “touching.”
“And if he ever touches me that way I’m calling the police,” Nolan said.
The school board said if Cacioppo is working for them more, he might sue them less.
Cacioppo said plans call for lots and lots of corporal punishment. Sergeants, lieutenants, captains and generals are not to be punished, he said.
Students can transport themselves, he said, like he was when he was a kid in Kansas City – barefoot for 18 miles through the snow, uphill, both ways.
That means the district’s entire fleet of school buses can be turned into campers and used to haul kids to NASCAR races, he said.
“The entire school district’s philosophy is turning left anyway. I’m just making sure the kids enjoy the ride,” Cacioppo said.