Dear Darwin column: White House to tighten French toast security
December 27, 2012
Well folks, I have some troubling news to report. The results came back from the random drug test that my employer conducted on me. It revealed excessive levels of chocolate. I’ve been told that I may have to go in for long-term peanut-butter cup counseling, maybe even electro-choco-shock therapy.
With his reelection, Barack Obama ordered the addition of chocolate to the lineup of substances to be tested during drug-screens. The mandate was inspired by the First Lady in her ongoing attempt to get medieval on Americans’ big ol’ butts and whip us into shape. Michelle Obama also plans to pass a bill that will test for traces of cheese and French toast.
And, if New York Daily News columnist Alexander Nazaryan has his way, cheese and French toast will simply be outlawed. Really. In a recent article he wrote about how brunch was ruining America, he stated, “Brunch is national decline slathered atop French Toast.” He also stated that “Brunch is decadence served with a side of bacon.” He further went on to say, “Brunch is a ritual that is corroding the soul of America.”
Hmmm … and I thought my squat girlfriend’s craving (Eve L. Stubbs) for Ihop’s whipped-cream, smiley-faced pancakes after church was rather innocent (even though it may be associated with the fifth of Jack that she chases her communion wafer with).
While there’s no direct line of research suggesting that brunch can bring down a world power, I can empathize with Nazaryan’s tirade against the Sunday ritual. I mean, really, who wouldn’t look to bacon as corroding the integrity-uh, arteries-of the greatest nation on earth? Then there’s that nagging blueberry thing (this was brought to my attention by the NBOC-the National Blueberry Oversight Committee). When a nation gets to the point where its food producers include splotches made with a blue marker in their instant blueberry muffin mix (artificial blueberries), it’s time to rethink our batter.
As for testing for other new types of contraband, Canada’s actually leading the charge. Their border patrol agents routinely shake people down for kilos of mozzarella. It appears cheese is three times more expensive in Canada. As a result, pizzerias just over the border are being solicited by known American cheese felons to see if they’d like their cheese costs slashed, rather than their tires. In truth, Canadian border patrol agents really are up to their noses in mozzarella brought in by cheesy Americans. Maybe Alexander Nazaryan was right in suggesting that food is bringing down our country.
In addition to cracking down on French toast and cheese puffs, the First Lady will also be slapping a fine on people who choose to use the “lower” and “raise” options on their banks’ ATM. Video surveillance cameras will snap pictures of cars whose owners fail to exit their vehicles and reach up six inches to access those towering ATMs. Those folks will be slapped with a $300 car-potato fine.
Eagle County resident Robert Valko can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.