BROOMSTICKS — On Monday, Vail Resorts, the Colorado-based ski industry giant, announced its recent purchase of the Western Hemisphere.
Even though the company has been on an acquisition spree in the last five years, most recently adding Disney World and Park City Resort to its “EpicWorld” pass, Vail Resorts officials said a complete purchase of the hemisphere was just more efficient.
“There were some tubing hills and ice skating ponds we hadn’t yet reached, so this was a comprehensive way to sweep them all into the Vail Resorts family,” said Vail Resorts Supreme Potentate Bobwood Gas.
First orders of business include instituting a (half) worldwide 3 p.m. cookie time, renaming all capital cities to fit the Vail Resort brand (London will be “Riperoo-ville” and Paris will be “Gnar City”) Also, as punishment for being pompous buttheads, Aspen Highlands and Snowmass will be made into a big tubing hill and ropes course.
The move is a major step toward the ski company’s plan for world domination, and while some critics are crying foul, others are thrilled at the improvements that new management might bring to the world.
“Vail Resorts is behind some of the most successful resorts in the world, and it is succeeding where many other resorts are failing at stealing, I mean, gaining skier visits,” said industry analyst Kona McPupperton. “They really know how to turn a struggling business around, and that could be a good thing for our world economy.”
Sources also confirm that Vail Resorts is in talks with Bernie Madoff for the rest of the world. From his jail cell, Madoff said that he’d only sign off on the dead on conditions that he’d get first tracks every day, a lifetime EpicWorld pass and “one of those cool ‘Mikaela Shiffrin’ beanies.”
Gas did go on record as saying that the company has purchased the moon. Yes, that moon.
“We’re working on getting a tubing hill up there as a prototype before we build any lifts,” said Gas. “The gravity situation is a little tough, but our engineers are working on it. You could catch some epic air up there — I mean, there’s no air, but you know what I mean.”