Vail Daily letter: Need a scissors ban, right?
March 21, 2013
In view of the recent violence at Battle Mountain High School, I propose a ban on all scissors large and small, sharp or blunt from all schools and public buildings making them scissor free zones where, if any person or persons is caught with scissors, they will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
Furthermore, if caught with fully automatic, high capacity, plug-in hair trimmers (unless you are federally licensed barber) you will be arrested on the spot and sentenced to no less than five years hard labor as a Walmart greeter.
This proposed ban will of course require the appointment of an overpaid scissor czar who will insist on an overpaid scissor staff to support the many burdens involved in scissor regulation working tirelessly to keep us safe.
I think we can all agree that it is the least we can do to protect our children and the elderly from those mentally unbalanced, scissor-wielding terrorists out there in this unforgiving world.
We are, after all, defenseless!