Richard Carnes
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December 31, 2013
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Vail Daily column: Destitute’s fearless predictions

Predictions are not so much a barometer measuring the pressures put on society to change (hopefully for the better) as they are potential billboards along the highway of life.

Some see them as warnings, but it is up to us individually as whether or not to stop or at least slow down and read the fine print.

Either way, some of these are hopeful, others not so much, some belong in the “duh” category, and a few are completely delusional, but I’ll leave it up to you to decide which is which. So at some point over the next 12 months, I absolutely guarantee (within reason) the following will occur:

At least one member of my family of five will have a broken phone at any single point throughout the year.

More and more will attempt to brag that they can now watch movies on their phone. In reply to these bragging attempts, more and more of us will ask, “Why?”

No matter how many companies try to convince us that “smart watches” are our future, their existence will soon be in our past.

For every someone who writes a letter to the editor condemning Vail for the new statewide law legalizing pot, promising to never visit again, two (or maybe even three) other “someones” will quietly become lifelong lovers of Vail and everything else the great state of Colorado has to offer.

On that note, local sales of Cheetos will skyrocket.

The taxable value of my house will rise.

So will yours.

Eagle County will elect a new commissioner, or possibly two, and maybe even a new sheriff.

Vail will be somewhere in the top five in the annual SKI Magazine poll.

An American will win a colorful medal at the Winter Olympics.

Lance Armstrong will not win a race of any kind.

The Denver Broncos might be in the Super Bowl.

The Dallas Cowboys definitely will not.

Even though we successfully degraded Syria’s chemical weapons and Iran’s nuclear capability without having to go to war, American hawks will find a way to kill innocent civilians in other countries, thus guaranteeing new levels of international hatred for all things American.

A male between the ages of 18–35 with a mangy beard and of the Islamic faith will shout “Allah Akbar” moments before blowing himself to tiny little human bits resembling a Jackson Pollock painting.

Every single molehill blip of a misstep that can somehow be connected to Obamacare will immediately become a mountain of steer dung by FOX News.

A Clinton will let it be known that they still have not made up their mind about future political office.

A Biden will still pretend to be interested in his boss’s job.

Ted Cruz will finally understand the running narrative in “Green Eggs and Ham” was to not knock something before you even try it and will resign his membership in the tea party.

Don’t forget I said some of these are delusional.

Legislation governing the proper use of a vagina and personal freedoms will be proposed by a member of Congress.

That Congressman (come on, of course it will be a guy) will be 100 percent oblivious to the irony.

An elected Republican will be arrested for committing the exact type of crime that he (or she) has railed against their entire career.

So will a Democrat.

The Dow will set new records, unemployment will continue to drop, Democrats will take credit and Republicans will swear the numbers were created in a Benghazi basement.

Sadly, the national debt will set new records as well.

A snowstorm will prompt Sean Hannity to make fun of global warming, while Sarah Palin (or perhaps Michelle Bachmann) will say something so incredibly stupid that she will be offered a reality show on A&E to help promote racist homophobic ducks.

Trust me, some of it could actually happen. Either way, as long as we work hard, play hard, relax often, chase dreams, follow logic, use common sense and go out of our collective way to be nice to one another, whether any of these predictions come true or not is inconsequential. They’ll be little blips on our weekly radar to ignore if we so choose, just like this column.

Richard Carnes, of Edwards, writes a weekly column. He can be reached at poor@vail.net.

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The VailDaily Updated Dec 30, 2013 07:07PM Published Dec 31, 2013 11:26AM Copyright 2013 The VailDaily. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.