Richard Carnes
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June 9, 2014
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Vail Daily column: Fun with morons and numbers

Recently, my oldest turned 27, which now marks the only time in his entire life where he will be exactly half my age. It also means he has been my son for exactly half of my life and 100 percent of his.

Fascinating, yes?

OK, maybe not so much, but with my wedding anniversary last week it now also means I have been married 27 years as well.

Coincidence?

Well, yeah, to be perfectly honest, as it was the 17th anniversary with my beautiful bride.

Confused?

That’s OK, it’s just that I have not been married for 27 years “in a row.”

Subtle difference, but a difference nonetheless.

Numbers and words can be twisted to mean whatever we wish them to mean, and according to basic statistics, the odds of our wished-for meaning will always exist, no matter how extreme, or in some cases, downright silly.

Same holds true for the self-absorbed moron last week that spent a few days at the red light in Edwards holding up his insanely tasteless sign about Sheriff Joe Hoy.

In case you missed it, and apparently plenty of locals had the pleasure of not missing it, this buffoon spent hours hopping about and waving a crudely painted sign implying his wish to have carnal relations with our current Eagle County Sheriff.

Sheriff Hoy coincidentally is running for re-election.

First Amendment and this twit’s personal feelings aside, a friend witnessed a family of five as they crossed the intersection on foot, with the smallest of the five pointing at the incredibly indecent sign as if to say, “Daddy, what’s that mean?”

Assuming they were tourist by their dress (loud colored shorts and Hawaiian shirts), I feel sure Daddy’s response was along the lines of, “Well, son…apparently there is an election coming up, and this man really, truly wants a certain person to win … ”

“Well goody for him!” I’m guessing would be the child’s response, as Mom and Dad hurried across the street, already planning to never return to Happy Valley lest their kids think carnal relations are a term of endearment (“Only in the mountains, boy!”).

The only thing I am sure of about this incident is my absolute certainty that “sign boy” has an arrest record with Eagle County, and the only thing he accomplished is a guarantee that a certain number of primary voters will choose the incumbent out of spite for this imbecile.

And I’m pretty sure that’s not how our system is designed to work.

Anyway, I’ll be 62 when my middle son is half my age and a whopping 80 for the youngest one, and I look forward to being around for both.

And in just a number of weeks I’ll be turning 55, which will make the main point of this column moot (except for, of course, the part about idiot sign boy), but hey, the number twisting is entertaining while it lasts.

Yes, admittedly, I am easily entertained, but I still have no patience for crude and vulgar public displays of idiocy.

Richard Carnes, of Edwards, writes weekly. He can be reached at poor@vail.net.

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The VailDaily Updated Jun 9, 2014 10:16PM Published Jun 9, 2014 09:03PM Copyright 2014 The VailDaily. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.