Greg Ziccardi
Valley Voices

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January 4, 2014
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Vail Daily column: What does a woman want?

If you’re happily married or just in a healthy relationship with someone, there is no need for you to read this piece. This is for the poor, confused bastard that just can’t get an idea formulated that explains a woman’s behavior these days.

I have a friend that likes Jack Daniels, and here’s his story.

He’s just a regular guy who happens to be single after divorce. My friend was married for a long time. (A long time is only relevant to the relationship. It can be 20 years, nine years, six months or an incredibly drawn out breakfast after just one night.) Therefore, he can speak from experience about a relationship and he considers himself an expert on the subject.

“My marriage” (the relationship) he will tell you “was a total success with regard to several things. I had a few kids that love me unconditionally, as I do them. They all made good grades while in school, were never arrested under our supervision and are now carrying the torch of young adulthood respectfully”.

“We worked hard, maintained a comfortable home, enjoyed mutual friends and drove a convertible at some stage. He bows his head and continues, “Those things are overshadowed by the fact I was told what bond issue to vote for, how to act at a party I didn’t want to attend and I really believed Sunday was for yard work, not golf.” He went on. “That woman could have taught a course at the community college titled “A Job, Bewilderment and a Leash: The Three Things a Man Needs.”

Now, let’s fast forward. He has been divorced for quite some time and now considers himself an expert in the “I’m single and looking” crowd. He’s blessed and full of wisdom about the knowledge he has amassed through time. My friend is a very giving person and feels it would be selfish to hoard the secrets he’s learned about the women he once knew and the women he knows now.

He raises his head, shakes off the shame and continues. “Being unattached in Happy Valley (as Richard Carnes affectionately labels this place) can be quite confusing and even detrimental to one’s psyche if you have a fragile self esteem. It may be different in the flat-lands of the Front Range, but that is not where I live. These women test the waters constantly and then move on to feed somewhere else.”

“It was tough enough when I was married, but ever since the woman burnt her bra, I have struggled to understand what, when, where and how to speak, treat or act around her. More importantly, I am completely lost thinking I know what she’s thinking. I always thought that was a great quality of mine. It allowed me to apologize before I knew I had to. I was always capable of suggesting a trip to see her family before she brought it up. I vacuumed and did some laundry just before she left a note on the counter. I used to be genius. Now I’m pathetically challenged.”

MYSTERIOUS LONG BEFORE THEY BURNT BRAS

He caught his breath, took a sip of his Dr. Jack and bowed his head again.

“They deserve equal pay even though they can’t play linebacker. If you speak politely and with consideration they wonder about the prick that pays no attention to them. If you dress like a hip preppie or put your pants around the mid-section of your buttocks, they fantasize about a cowboy. If you work too hard, they admire the chap that knows how to relax and not take life so seriously. Reverse those scenarios and the opposite applies. Except for money. Money is the lone constant while dabbling in a new relationship. More than ever before, if you have none, you can’t play in the game.”

Now it was my turn. “I’m not too sure it’s about money my friend or even if it’s a woman’s fault. They were mysterious long before they burnt their bras. It’s God’s way and it started a long time ago when they weren’t sure they liked apples. They have every right to know what they don’t want. That’s why us guys have these meeting in bars — so we can compare war stories and assure ourselves we’re not crazy.”

He scratched his chin and took another sip. He called the bartender and said, “I want to buy that pretty girl over there a drink.”

Greg Ziccardi can be reached at gzvail@yahoo.com.

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The VailDaily Updated Jan 4, 2014 07:02PM Published Jan 4, 2014 05:24PM Copyright 2014 The VailDaily. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.