This Sunday we will once again sit, stand, shout, scream and yell at a game where testosterone and steroid-filled males desperately attempt to injure and maim one another while maneuvering a funny shaped chunk of faux-pigskin up and down a faux-grass field.
It’s ‘Merican football dammit, and we will worship the game by the millions and gamble billions for the chance to make hundreds.
It’s what we do.
You don’t have to love it, but you must admit that the two-week-long hype surrounding the build up to the game itself is at least more interesting and exciting than watching curling in Sochi. (I’m assuming this will be true next week.)
Super Bowl XLVIII (48 for the Roman-impaired) is expected to boost sales of consumer electronics, sports gear, team-related merchandise, furniture and food and beverages to the happy tune of $8 billion before the final whistle on Sunday night.
Some 60 million Americans will attend Super Bowl parties where they will consume 5,000 tons of guacamole, 15,000 tons of potato chips, 4,000 tons of tortilla chips, 4,000 tons of popcorn and immeasurable amounts of beer (not just Manning’s Bud Light) and Jack Daniels. It will rank as the No. 2 food consumption event of the year, second only to Thanksgiving.
At 37 years of age, Peyton Manning is two years removed from sitting out an entire season after a series of neck operations and now has the opportunity to become the first starting quarterback to win Super Bowl titles with two franchises.
It is certainly ironic that the other Manning (Eli) won a Super Bowl in Peyton’s old home stadium in Indianapolis (2012) and now Peyton now has the chance to win one in Eli’s home stadium in East Rutherford (New Jersey for the geographically-impaired).
But win or lose, Manning is a class act both on and off the field. The man is humble and gracious. (Attention: Richard Sherman, please take notes.) He never boasts about himself, always takes the blame for a loss and applauds the other team for a win.
Sure, Broncos have the No. 1 offense and Seahawks the No. 1 defense, but Seahawks have the No. 17 offense and the Broncos the No. 19 defense, each pretty much in the middle of the pack. Seattle happens to be the most penalized team in the NFL, but the Broncos aren’t far behind in the fifth position.
I suppose I’m admitting anything can happen, but the way I see it (admittedly biased), the Seattle Chickens (cluck-cluck) will sorely miss their infamous 12th man and Manning will win another MVP.
As of seven days out, there is a 50 percent chance of snow on game day with a high of 36 and a low of 26, but I’ll be damned if I would pay $4,000 for the pleasure of freezing my butt on a cheap seat, plus airfare and hotel.
Besides, my youngest turns 15 that day, and we’ll be watching him race for Ski & Snowboard Club Vail out in (sadly) warm and sunny Squaw Valley, Calif.
To be blunt however, it doesn’t matter if you call it the Weed Bowl, Stoner Bowl, Doobie Bowl or the Green & Leafy Bud Bowl, the Seattle THC-hawks and the Mile “High” Denver Broncos will bring new meaning to the term “hash marks.” Meanwhile multiple states will begin taking steps to legalize marijuana in order to help their team make it to next year’s finale, as detailed studies now show 100 percent of NFL teams residing in states with legalized pot go directly to the Super Bowl.
Kickoff will be, of course, at 4:20.
Richard Carnes, of Edwards, writes a weekly column. He can be reached at email@example.com.
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