Relationships: The ‘secrets’ of a compatible relationship
Editor’s note: Neil Rosenthal is on vacation. This is one of his previously published columns.
Dear Neil: My fiance and I are fighting a lot with each other, and that’s thrown our wedding — scheduled for later this year — into serious question. Is there a secret for how to know if we can be compatible with each other? We have a lot of common interests and similar tastes in music, Italian food and gourmet coffees. How can we have compatibility also?
Not Getting Along in Westminster
Dear Not Getting Along: Compatibility isn’t something you have. It’s something the two of you create. The similarities and personality traits that attract two people to each other — such as common tastes in music, art, travel and food — is what gets you together, not what typically keeps you together.
Here are some of the most important behaviors and attitudes that two people must cultivate and develop over time in order for them to feel compatible with each other:
Treating the other person with respect: This includes the assumption of good will, absence of malice and benefit of doubt.
Open and skilled communication: Compatible couples share their secrets, personal intimacies, delights, thoughts, feelings, hopes, wishes, hurts, frustrations, disappointments, yearnings and fears with each other.
Good communication is reciprocal sharing, which is more than just bombarding someone with your thoughts and feelings. It is also about knowing the difference between “talking at” and “talking with” someone, being interested and inquisitive about the other person’s emotions, needs and desires, being an extremely good listener and hearing the other person’s feelings without being defensive, hostile or dismissing.
Finding positive ways of dealing with disagreements: This comprises good problem solving, negotiating, compromising and negotiating skills, and assumes an absence of anger, cold silent treatment or rough words.
Spending time together: Compatible couples make their relationship a top priority in their lives.
Being responsive: Making what’s important to your partner, important to you.
Finding true partnership: Major decisions are made jointly. Both believe the division of labor is fair as it relates to roles, chores, children, work and housework.
Romance: Going out of your way to please, and doing so on an ongoing basis. This includes lots of affection.
Sex: Equally interested in pleasing your partner as you are in being pleased.
Honesty: Keeping your word, your promises and your agreements. Saying what you mean, and meaning what you say.
Friendship and support: You treat your partner as a friend and ally.
Fun: Compatible couples have learned to have fun with each other on a regular basis.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Westminster and Boulder. He is the author of the bestselling book “Love, Sex, and Staying Warm: Creating a Vital Relationship.” Contact him at 303-758-8777 or visit neilrosenthal.com.
Session 2 of the three-part series focuses on finding a publisher and making sure it’s a good fit.