Vail Relationships column: Don’t tolerate someone who runs away from you
December 3, 2016
Dear Neil: My advice to all these people who are in a relationship with someone who repeatedly runs away from a loving relationship: Move on, it's only going to continue. If you are older than 30, then you don't have time to be playing love games. When somebody really loves you, they don't run away from you. So let those runners run along, and don't let them back your way. You just have to be strong because you deserve better.
Dear Savannah: Some people may want you and may even dearly love you, but they are convinced that they're not lovable or that they are going to get hurt, rejected or betrayed. Because they can't tolerate living with such uncertainty and/or fear, they leave the person they want or love and choose someone else they consider to be "safer." That person is often less desirable, dynamic or magnetic and therefore assumed to be less likely to leave or hurt them. This may not be wise, but it is more common than you might think.
Other times, someone may simply mislead you. They say they love you and will follow you to the end of the Earth, but they don't actually feel as close to you as they suggest. Oftentimes, one or two differences emerge that they find unappealing or concerning, and instead of trying to negotiate, compromise or work through the disparity or the conflicts, they drop out of sight and go looking for someone else. My best advice: Find someone who wants you and who is willing and able to commit to you, and do your best to make that relationship as secure as you can.
My best advice: Find someone who wants you and who is willing and able to commit to you, and do your best to make that relationship as secure as you can.
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Dear Neil: A while back you responded to a woman whose husband openly admitted to having sex with men. Your answer to her was right on, but I was surprised you did not mention to her that she should be tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases or infections. Men who have sex with men are at high risk for infections.
Dear Neil: You did not mention about why some people have very low libido. Hereditary hemochromatosis is a medical condition where the body absorbs too much iron, resulting in decreased libido, among other things. If you are advising people complaining of low libido, then you might suggest that they get a full physical checkup along with a blood test that checks their iron levels.
Dear Vail and Denver: Good advice. Thanks for pointing out things I missed.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Westminster and Boulder. He is the author of the best-selling book "Love, Sex and Staying Warm: Creating a Vital Relationship." Contact him at 303-758-8777, or visit neilrosenthal.com.
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