2004 headlines I hope we don’t see | VailDaily.com

2004 headlines I hope we don’t see

Richard Carnes

FOX News endorses Wesley Clark Democrats retake White House Hussein cloned! Iran and Syria say no to U.N. Inspectors Jacko trades race card for Islamic dice (might be too late for this one) Jacko buys golden cross, claims to be Messiah Spears & Timber-lake continue comeback Helicopters seen converging on pink house in Wildridge False fire alarms again on increase in Vail Ryan & Trista: Behind the scenes Ryan & Trista: the 1st Anniversary Ryan & Trista: the 1st delivery Kobe wins MVP; alleged victim sent packing Cacioppo signs long-term lease Disgraced Limbaugh new editor for SpeakOut! Vandal crushed to death while stealing Vail manhole cover Happy Timber Ridge singles find “mold” actually aphrodisiac Carnes joins ski school to appease Ferry Lawn Chair Team announces exclusive nude calendarHeadlines are not so much a barometer measuring the pressures put on society by the media as they are billboards along the highway of life. We see them only briefly, and it is up to us individually as whether to stop or at least slow down and read the details.Sparing you more metaphoric cocktails (I can mentally feel some of you cringing already), here are a few headlines I hope we DO see: NY Times endorses Bush Bush keeps White House Buddy Sims returns home! Bin Laden found on death dirt in spider cave Al Qaida “chatter” evolves into real words Kim Jong II succumbs to radiation poisoning Iran and Syria to follow Libya’s lead Mad cows found to be only mildly neurotic Flu vaccine in surplus Gov. Arnold nukes benefits for illegals Spears joins Timberlake on first shuttle to Mars J-Lo & Ben fall in forest, no one hears a thing Queer Eye Guy caught with straight woman Kobe convicted, must play for Orlando Broncos win third Super Bowl! Nuggets win first playoff bid in years Armstrong wins unprecedented sixth Tour de France Sorenstam has sex change, joins PGA SKI magazine: Vail still No. 1 SEC: Vail Resorts still clean Eagle County teachers receive bonuses plus interest Eagle airport offers direct flights to Cancun Vail Council concedes: Big trucks DO need brakes Local columnists’ salaries double Meskimen wins council bid finally Vail parking tickets become collectors’ items, outsell manhole covers Lawn Chair Team announces retirementAnd finally, here’s a few I doubt we’ll ever see: Ferry hands out free parking passes to Front Range tourists Columnists invited to VD Xmas party!Either way, have fun and be safe tomorrow night, that way we can revisit my prognostications a year from now and see if I’m anywhere close to becoming the next John Edwards or if I’m ordained to remain nothing more than just a regular “Richard.”Richard Carnes can be reached at poor@vail.net