A kinder, gentler warrior | VailDaily.com

A kinder, gentler warrior

Nickey Hernandez

If President Bush wants the limp-wristed world to understand why we need to fight, he should make the U.N. Security Council watch Tears of the Sun, the latest Bruce Willis action saga that proves America is a super power with a super-sized heart.Let the hookah puffers of the Arab Street blow lies about our true intentions in the Gulf and claim the upcoming “Smackdown with Saddam” is merely about oil.I know better. After all, blatant, military power grabs are so 20th Century.America is not that way any more. We’re different. We looking out for the little guy, keeping the world safe for democracy and doing good stuff.Yes, our foreign policy hasn’t always been tight and tidy. Mistakes happen from time to time. Yes, the Kurds got the shaft the last time we had Saddam by the pubes. But rest assured that in a month or so, the Iraqi strongman’s dripping corpse will hold a place of honor on the wall of the Oval Office.As the president pointed out during his recent press conference, America is a God-loving land that wishes only to liberate the poor Iraqi people. As the only super power in the game, it’s our duty to scour the earth for oppressed masses. Once located, we must free them by any means necessary.Trust me, this whole world domination thing isn’t about us. Can we help it if the little nations need a kick in the pants to move in the right direction?That’s the party lined peddled in Tears of the Sun, a he-man war story that Duke Wayne should have starred in. Instead, we get Willis kicking ass over Nigerian scum and rescuing the hottest lady physician to ever ask a man to turn and cough.Willis is the leader of an elite Navy Special Forces team that is sent into Nigeria to rescue a handful of Western relief workers amidst the chaos of a bloody military coup.The lady doc, a luscious Italian squeeze, is the top do-gooder. Being a pain in the ass Euro, the skirt won’t chopper to safety “without her people.”Never mind that if she stays behind, she’ll be raped and butchered by the new regime.How f___ing typical. She does not care that Willis’ boys have put their nuts on the line. Instead, our drama queen pulls a hissy fit and won’t budge unless he saves the entire village.Duke Wayne would have slapped the little lady across the face, tossed her over his shoulder and humped out of the Nigerian hellhole. But Willis is the very definition of “compassionate conservatism.”Even though most of his men may die in a firefight with pursuing Nigerian soldiers, Willis won’t let innocent people get machetted to death.Despite specific orders from his superiors to grab the babe and get, Willis immediately takes the fight to the bad guys. He then marches the doctor and her band or refugees toward safety in Cameroon.”I broke my own rule. I started to give a s___,” Willis says, explaining his about face to a direct order.Soon the band of Navy brothers is hunkered down, neck deep in jungle muck and enemy fire. Naturally, there are many dying doughboy moments as the brave Yanks cowboy up against 300 Nigerian rebels for the sake of 70 helpless refugees.By the time Willis limps across the Cameroon border, he’s bleeding like Jerry Quarry. What else do you expect from the Red, White and Blue? It’s all in a day’s work, and a small price to pay for freedom.Until next time, Mr. Hernandez has left the theater to steal war bonds. qNickey Hernandez is a former private investigator who looks forward to the day when a gallon of gas costs a nickel.

Support Local Journalism