A letter-writer’s bloodless revenge
Face it: Most of you embarrass yourselves every time you write your Vail Daily column. You wallow, you whine, your slink your way around written words the same way a liberal (the new political thing) does around politics.
But have no fear, for help is nere (moi).
See what I am saying? That little doodab dealy following the word – nere – explains to the public reader that the uneducated columnist misspelled that word and the editor put that little “code” in there to prove to all readers that a nimcumpoop wrote the sentence while writing their column.
That is also an editor’s way of saying, “This employed columnist has an opinion, but since good employees are as hard to find as finding a honest government, then you readers should take their opinion while swallowing a stiff drink …”
And that, dear columnists, is how many of you humiliate yourselves. Let me continue with a few other writing suggestions.
Length of columns
Easily the most abused of all newspaper areas. You want people to actually read what you write. Then write something of interest. People read columns for information regarding the world around them. Readers don’t read them to learn why Clinton thinks Bush is an idiot, or to see why all letters to the editor are written by bloody idiots or why we should worry about Vail politics.
Nine times out of 10, if the reader has to turn the page to finish your ludicrous column, odds are they’ll skip ahead to a much better columnist or a better newspaper, for that matter. If you still insist on writing utter garbage, convince the editor to run it as a letter instead. Believe me, my job (before column writing) didn’t used to be that easy.
These are a no-no-no, as are those cute little happy faces! If your column alone doesn’t make your point, you only further insult the newspaper by using exclamation marks and happy faces while attempting to write! Trust the readers; they really don’t care about the columnist’s emotional state while attempting to read utter nonsense. If you insist on making marks, try un-happy faces. This will belie a much better example of what your reading public feels while reading your trash.
Word to the wise: Engage brain before inserting words. Double-check brain engagement before submission by finger action.
They are great for the visually impaired.
SAYING ANYTHING THIS WAY ONLY IMPLIES READERS ARE BLIND. THAT IS AN INSULT. NO ONE WANTS TO CONSIDERED A BLIND READER. Which brings me to my next subject: verbally slamming the reader (who is the reason you are paid to do what you do – write, in case you forget).
From a former letter writer’s viewpoint: While it is fun to slam the columnists for entertainment’s sake, direct insulting can take on much more meaning if used effectively:
Insult – “The columnist thinks too highly of himself and should reconsider his popularity as a columnist for the greater good of the newspaper and out of a sense of respect for public opinion.”
BAD STRONG insult – “Richard Carnes is an egotistical writer who apparently thinks he stands head-and-shoulders above his readers! He is on the same level with Gray Davis, pandering votes and groveling about, thinking this will gain him even loftier friends in even higher places.”
Note a difference? One implores ignorance toward writing and insults his readers, who are the reason he is actually employed. The other contains a “holier than thou” position. Who does the hiring for the Vail Daily anyway?
Simplicity for the below-average columnist is crucial if one is to remain entirely open-minded and tolerant of total stupidity regarding certain local Vail Daily columnists. (Re: simple words really get to the heart of things).
This is an area where I find myself at this very moment, while typing this.
Is it about certain nameless Vail Daily columnists? Yes. Understood by the columnist who I am referring to? Doubt it – it is that simple-minded factor again.
Remember, I am not a highly paid professional writer like you are, so please use constraint when you read my new Insult of the Month column. But if you must, the next time the Vail Daily columnists feel the urge to purge their deplorable opinions in the local paper, please remember that the letter writers you are insulting are also are the reason for your very existence as a column writer! You are more than welcome to use any helpful tidbit of advice I have given you.
You will thank yourself when you learn you still have a job!
Marty Lich of Gypsum can be reached at Martyincol@juno.com