A little something for everyone
December 23, 2003
You know Adam and Ferry, Slifer and Pepi,
Trista and Ryan, Stone and Menconi,
But do you recall,
The most famous Happy Valleyite of all
The long dead Indian,
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Used to laugh and call here home.
Then came the greedy white man,
Chased him off and said, “Go roam!”
I could continue with more musical intro, but having already accomplished the goal of you humming that damn tune in your head for the rest of the day, here is my annual Christmas wish list detailing who should receive what, IMHO, of course:
Saddam Hussein: A razor just dull enough to not cut through skin, thus providing hours of entertaining videotape for the world to watch as the delusional buffoon repeatedly tries to become a martyr.
Moammar Gadhafi: A surprise photo of his backside, to see if his fingers were crossed.
Osama: A second defective kidney.
France and Germany: More American tourists. They need the money.
America: Fewer French and German leaders. We need less distraction.
George W. Bush: The Howard Dean joke book (some might refer to it as a work in progress called a “platform”).
Howard Dean supporters: A reality check.
Other left-wing liberal nut jobs: A valid reason to live in America.
Most conservatives: You already have everything, shut up and enjoy it.
Michael Jackson: A surprise Neverland visit from Loreena Bobbitt.
Kobe: A surprise hotel visit from the Rape Fairy. Oh, yeah, and an unbiased jury.
She-who-must-not-be-named: A surprise visit from the Justice Fairy.
Mark Hurlbert: A snowball’s chance
Pamela Mackey: A vacation with Hurlbert’s snowball.
Scott Peterson: A surprise prison shower visit from Kobe’s Fairy and a never-ending round of underwater golf in the same lake where his wife and decapitated son were found floating.
Mogul, Cleaver, Outlaw, et al: Time commiserate with the crime in the location to which they each belong.
Le Vine, Nicholson, et al: Books by Limbaugh, O’Reilly, Miller, and Coulter (for balance).
Mazzuca, Quinn, et al: Books by Clinton, Franken, Moore and Clinton (for entertainment).
Marty Lich: Two-weeks paid vacation at the El Paso immigration office.
Tom Stone: Someone, anyone, on the Western Slope who feels the same way about water.
Trista and Ryan Sutter: Quality time without a camera and no reason to ever wear another $*!#@?! microphone while hugging.
Jay Halburnt: A hard hat with little radar cameras in the back.
Red Cliff: One billion gallons of clean water.
Anthony Scully: A photo for Town Talk that doesn’t look like his mom (the world famous Anna) in reverse drag.
Team High Performance (from VVCF 2004 nudie calendar): A surprise visit to the Carnes household, in “uniform.”
Don Rogers: A signed David Robinson jersey and one of those cute hangman tees to wear around the new house.
Pete Buckley and Martha Rehm: A bigger fire hydrant.
Ludi Kurz: Justification for 10 extra weeks and 10 grand of tax dollars.
Bair Ranch Project: Justification for not comparing it to a cheesy horror flick.
Lise, Chris, Steve, Peer Carnes: Whatever they want, within reason.
Eagle County teachers: Long overdue bonuses, plus interest.
Colorado Supreme Court: The foresight to give it to them.
Adam Aron: A reason to send William Donaldson (SEC chairman) yet another Christmas card.
VRI Property Acquisition Team: The ability to check out all utilities, especially boilers, before bidding.
VRI Bonus Timing Committee: The ability to understand what the term “horrible juxtaposition” really means.
Front Range skiers: Whether Santa visits you or not, just remember, Vail Loves You!
All other skiers: We, um, like you one heckuva lot, too.
Vail Daily person responsible for mailing out the Christmas party invitations each year: My mailing address (yet, again).
Feliz Navidad, everyone.
Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at email@example.com