Advice from your Beloved Uncle Randy: A guy’s guide to Valentine’s Day
Ever since Adam gave Eve a tasteful fruit basket, guys have been foggier about gift-giving for girls than Bill Clinton with ethics questions.
Listen up, guys, and repeat after me: “I will not buy my wife and/or reason for living a Pocket Fisherman for Valentine’s Day. Instead, I will purchase some tasteful jewelry that costs more than the average annual salary in Arkansas.”
In an annual ritual as certain as tent revivals and Opening Day: Every year, you see legions of guys wandering desperately from store to store on Valentine’s Day. In these guys’ eyes you see that Bambi-on-the-center-line-staring-down-an-oncoming-Peterbilt look.
They know that if they don’t come up with some heart-felt token of their undying love and devotion for their reason for living, and do it right now, their lives are going to be pure purgatory until Arbor Day rolls around and they can plant a tree in her honor — one that best typifies her attitude toward him — the flowering crab.
Get Going Already
Researchers have discovered that some males are stricken with a malady called “testosterone poisoning,” which precludes them from buying a gift that doesn’t smell like diesel fuel. For guys who find themselves suffering from testosterone poisoning, we suggest that you practice buying Valentine’s Day gifts for when you’ll need them — which is now.
Someone should tell guys that the only antidote for testosterone poisoning is shoe shopping, and it looks like that someone is going to be your beloved Uncle Randy.
We should be eternally thankful we’re not King Solomon. It seems that Solomon, reputedly the wisest man who ever lived, had something like 786 wives, which, any woman will tell you, was the true source of his wisdom. But then, women will also tell you the real reason that the children of Israel wandered in the wilderness for 40 years is because Moses refused to listen to Mrs. Moses when she gently suggested he stop and ask directions to the Promised Land.
If you’ve paid any attention at all — and if you’re a guy, we know you haven’t — then you know there are only two ways of dealing with women:
1. Let them think they’re having their way, and,
2. Let them have it.
What Does A woman Want
But, you ask yourself, “What does a woman want?” It’s a question with which even Shakespeare struggled. And Shakespeare was so sensitive he wore frilly shirts and tights. If couldn’t figure it out, what chance do we have?
There is a biblical principle at work here: “You have not because you ask not.” If you want to know exactly what she wants for Valentine’s Day, or any other day including Groundhog Day, ask her.
This isn’t as tough as fixing your transmission, but, like the Electoral College, there is some stuff you need to know. This stuff is universal and does not change, no matter what you’re buying.
It goes like this:
1. Ask her what she wants. Write down what she tells you, and stick it in your wallet.
2. Save up some money.
3. Go downtown, and see the person who has what she wants.
4. Give that person your money.
5. Ask them to wrap it up, take it home and give it to her, with a tasteful card.
Results: Your reason for living is happy because she has what she wants. The merchants are happy because they have all your money. You’re happy because they’re both happy. Everyone is happy. Happiness is your friend.
The six weeks or so between Christmas and Valentine’s Day is gift-buying purgatory. Release yourself from your suffering, gents.
And above all, don’t ask any of your panic-stricken Bambi-in-headlights buddies what they’re doing. They’d rather watch “Dumb and Dumber” than “Sense and Sensibility.”
P.S. Gift-buying for guys is elementary. We’ll take ours medium-rare with lots of mushroom gravy.