Africa, our next frontier? |

Africa, our next frontier?

Dana Jurich
Vail, Colorado CO

America is trying to take over the world, one continent at a time.

This time, it’s Africa. I was listening to NPR this morning and couldn’t believe my ears. Before he left office, Donald Rumsfield made the suggestion to G.W. that we ought to stick our grubby hands into the mother continent. The day Rummy left office, Bush agreed. This week Rumsfield’s successor, Robert Gates had announced to Congress the latest plan in “American Intelligence.”

Not only will we be closer to monitor the Peddlers of Evil and their terrorist activities, but we’ll also be in a great position to steal their crude resources once we’ve exhausted our current ones.

By the year 2017 Africa will account for 20 to 25 percent of our oil consumption, especially if we continue to burn bridges with all of our other sources, like Venezuela.

Similar to the bubonic plague, we’re slowly creeping over our neighbors like an inept burglar in the night. We think we’re being sneaky and clever, but the rest of the world sees us as a clumsy, irrational jerk who won’t admit he’s ever wrong. We’re also a pain in the ass to deal with.

I seriously doubt Africa is extending an invitation to us to occupy their continent. They have no choice, and they’ll be forced to sleep with the enemy if they want our ineffective medicine and rotten food supplies.

It’s a lose-lose situation for them being the weaker, non-unified people of the desert and dense jungle.

Shame on us for once again meddling where we don’t belong. Then again, we don’t care- we’re irrational and greedy. We’ll coo and coddle them and tell them we’re friends, and they can trust us. Then, when the timing is right, we’ll stab them in the back with the nearest blunt instrument we can wrap our blood-stained hands around.

“Don’t you worry,” Mr. Gates tells us, “we won’t shift our focus from the (current) axis of evil, we just want to be closer to the action.”

He promises us this (unnecessary) war will wage on until there is nothing left, and we’ve pumped the lifeblood out of these countries. Then it’ll be Africa’s turn.

Perhaps it’s not just about the oil. Maybe we truly just want to be their friends.

I’m probably being too critical of our government. They probably just want to help Africa improve the quality of life, cure the sick, house the orphans and teach them how to grow their own food.

In a godless continent like theirs, I’m sure G.W. wouldn’t mind assisting in spreading another plague: Christianity. I can just picture him bending down to a little black boy, sticking his face in the boy’s and asking him “Do you know Jesus, son?”

I can just picture the boy staring at him, unresponsive, and G.W., taking that to mean he didn’t speak English repeating it louder “DO YOU KNOW JESUS, BOY?”

Following the American rule that if they don’t speak English, just speak louder and slower. They’ll understand you eventually if you just keep trying, they always do.

Dana Jurich of Avon writes a weekly column for the Daily. Send comments or questions to

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