All hail the Recoil King!
We, The Titans of Town Talk, have come under verbal barrage for our Torque and Recoil rant against Kristopher Zeller.
We don’t care. We can take the hits, unlike Mr. Zeller, who, as you recall, is the guy in Summit County who broke into someone’s home, grabbed an 8-year old kid and refused to leave. The homeowner, a Great American, went to work on Zeller first with a barbell, then broke two golf clubs over him, then bent a wrought iron fireplace poker over him. “Let me explain!” whined Zeller while his well-deserved beating continued.
Zeller’s friends say he’s a harmless drunk. Summit County Sheriff John Minor says people who behave like Zeller are better off supine, unconscious and locked away in the Crossbar Hotel, where Zeller remains.
To those who blubber that someone should have asked Zeller how he felt, we quote the Great Mark Twain – ‘”Shuttup,’ he explained.” We don’t care how Zeller feels. We don’t care how you feel. We don’t even care how we feel.
What, we ask, of the lifetime troubles the kid will face?
What, we ask, of the mom who huddled with the lad as they hid in a closet during the dead of night?
And what, we ask, of the lifetime damage to the dad’s golf grip that stems from beating that bonehead over his bone head with golf clubs?
Did he use the classic overlapping grip? Did he use the more stable but less forgiving interlocking grip? Or did he fall into the unfortunate pattern of gripping the club too hard while appropriately breaking the guy’s nose with his putter?
Or is there a specialized golf club grip for pounding the pumpkins of nincompoops who don’t understand the crystal clear message in, “Get Out!”
And that brings us to today’s Torque and Recoil Campaign Proposal:
The Golf Grip Psychological and Spiritual Healing, Recovery and Realignment Act
If you create torque by breaking into someone’s home, do not pretend to act surprised if they create recoil by beating you into a grease spot. You have it coming. You’ll heal. And follow Mr. Twain’s advice while your bruises clear up because we don’t want to hear it.
It’s those who administered the pounding who need long-term help.
The kid, of course, gets all the help he needs, and maybe even a new dirtbike to make him feel better. The mom gets help, and an unlimited supply of pretty much whatever she wants, up to and including her own Third World tropical island.
The dad gets an unlimited supply of golf lessons. Bruises and broken hearts mend, but a damaged golf grip is forever. This is the sort of cause that will mobilize mainstream America behind a nationalized healthcare program.
Faithful followers of the True Teachings of Torque and Recoil will recall that earlier this week in our first senatorial trip to the pork barrel, we secured an honest-to-Pete Dye round of golf at Cotton Ranch for Dad. We’ll throw in dinner and the family can make a day of it. They need the sunshine.
We’re proud to serve.
“Wyrick For Senate: Let Freedom Rip.”
Jesus Christ Superstar
The Battle Mountain Players continue their stellar run of Jesus Christ Superstar at 7 p.m. tonight. Tickets are
$10 for adults, $7 for students/senior citizens and $4 for children under 11. Curtain for Saturday is 7 p.m. and curtain for Sunday’s matinee is 2 p.m.
Get out your dancing shoes
Eagle Valley High School Project Graduation folks will host an adults-only fund-raising event on Saturday, April 17 at the Broadway Bar and Grill in Eagle. Three local bands, New Shoes, Bluegrace Mountain Band, and The Dave & Bubba Show will perform from 7-11 p.m. Tickets are $15, and may be purchased from any EVHS senior; from the Broadway Bar & Grill, Alpine Bank Eagle Branch, Best Western in Eagle, or Backwoods Video in Gypsum. They’ll have a silent auction.
The fifth Annual Spring Bike Swap, a benefit for the Trail Action Group (T.A.G.) starts at 9 a.m. Saturday, April 17, at the Seasons at the Green restaurant, at the Vail Golf Course Clubhouse. Ten percent of all sales go to the Trail Action Group. T.A.G. is in its eight year. The group maintains and improves existing mountain bike trails throughout the Valley.
Drop-off for all gear is on 3-8 p.m. Friday, April 16. Call Pedal Power bike shop at 845-0931.
GOP’s Lincoln Day
The Eagle County Republican’s Lincoln Day Dinner is Saturday, April 17 at the Vail Marriott. Cocktails start at 6 p.m., dinner at 7 p.m. U.S. Senate Candidate Bob Schaffer and Colorado GOP Leader Ted Halaby will be there. The cocktail is a special fund-raiser for Heather Lemon, candidate for the Colorado House District 56. Dinner is $50. Call 949-5054.
Eagle Valley 9Health Fair Saturday
Volunteers are needed for Saturday’s Eagle Valley 9Health Fair. It runs 8-11:30 a.m. at Eagle Valley Middle School (747 E. 3rd St. in Eagle). Free screenings include blood pressure, BMI, body in balance, stress, dental, vision, skin cancer and breast exam. The blood chemistry is still only $30. A 12-hour fast is necessary, except for water, and black coffee or tea. The PSA costs $25, Colorectal Kit is $5, and Blood Count is $15. Participants must be 18. No appointments are necessary. Child care is available. Call Paul Steinfort at 524-9366 or 328-6464 from 9 a.m.-3 p.m. weekdays.