Today is National Teacher Day, a worthy and wonderful observance. However, the dedicated Torque and Recoil campaign staff working to drive The Titans of Town Talk (whose secret identity as Randy Wyrick is classified government information vital to the security of our spiral arm of the universe) into the United States Senate, has brought a brutal injustice to our attention.
In some of listings, National Teacher Day is listed as National Teacher’s Day, which, of course, is more wrong than entering a poodle in a tractor pull. We realize that you know better and that National Teacher’s Day is singular possessive, hence asserting that we will be honoring only one teacher in Our Great Nation.
This, my fellow Americans, will never do.
The “Wyrick: Wy Not?” Senate campaign intends to see that all our fine teachers are honored, which entails plural possessive (Teachers’) or simply plural (Teachers).
Teachers who don’t know where to place the apostrophe, or didn’t properly teach America’s Future where to properly place the apostrophe, don’t get honored. Shop teachers not only get exempted and honored, but also get a grant from the National Endowment for the Industrial Arts (which will replace the National Endowment for the Arts when we’re elected) for helping us fabricate our Official Campaign Vehicle, a motorized Barcalounger. They’ll also weld the apostrophe into its proper place, and we’ll never have to endure this debate again.
It is possible that the brain trust who conceived National Teacher Day meant to honor only one teacher. Naturally this sparks one of those silly-headed, hand-wringing, Boulder-style, angst-wrought, whine-a-thons about “Who gets to decide for us all?”
That’s simple. We will.
If there is to be only one teacher in This Great Nation to be honored, it will be Eagle Valley High School Math Master George “Old School” McCollum. Honorable mention goes to all middle school teachers, who are assured a special place in Heaven for dealing with those people all day, without resorting to a whip and a chair.
We trust there are no further questions on this point, and no, you may not have a hall pass. Bribe the art students to forge your own, like we had to when we were matriculating.
“Wyrick For Senate: Let Freedom Rip.”
Remember our campaign slogan: “If It Has Torque, Recoil, Compression, Makes Big Bang or Shoots a Big Bullet It’s Cool and Americans Need More Of It.”
Bat on this!
The Eagle Valley Trojan’s youth baseball team will be holding a fund-raiser garage sale Saturday, May 15, at the old Loaf and Jug building, on Highway 6 in Eagle, from 9 a.m.-2 p.m. Funds will be used to provide scholarships for players in need. For sponsorships and donations, call 328-5020. Be sure to come and join the fun!