April Fool’s: Commissioner, mayor, holy man
Daily Sanctimony Reporter
Vail, CO Colorado
EAGLE, Colorado ” County Commissioner Argh Spumoni’s quest came to a successful end in the bowels of the county archives.
It was there, at the end of weeks of searching, that Eagle County Commissioner Spumoni found a way to share his wisdom and special enlightenment with the rest of us for at least another four years, and possibly beyond.
“As you know, I’m limited to just two terms of helping the people of this county and its children, who are our future, you know,” Spumoni said. “I started looking at the county codes to see if there was a way I could continue to help address our pressing issues of housing, transportation, and caring for our most helpless residents, the children.”
Spumoni first decided to share his special wisdom by running for the mayor’s job in Eagle. But letting fickle, often-unenlightened voters decide if he could continue his quest of goodness for its own sake, and certainly not for his own glory, Spumoni started looking for options.
Reading carefully through the county’s earliest codes, Spumoni found an ordinance, written shortly after the county’s creation in 1897, that would allow him to continue in his essential role as the conscience of all Eagle County. It states, in part:
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“If any commissioner’s heart is true, and if he honestly believes that children are our future, then he shall remain in office, regardless of election results, if he declares his intent.
“At any regular meeting, such commissioner shall state, ‘Zippety noopy shebop dingly doodly, children are our future, you dadblasted rubes.’ If no citizen hurls a stone of gypsum or basalt at the commissioner within 24 hours, he shall remain commissioner for another four years. In addition, he will become mayor of all municipalities in our county for four years.
“If no one hurls the stone, and the commissioner wishes, he may attempt to usurp the authority of any holy man he chooses, but only for 18 months.”
So Spumoni made his declaration at a commissioners meeting Feb. 29. Since the room was empty save for commissioners Dieter Funion and Farah Squisher and county attorney Hamilton Burger, no one threw a rock in the allotted time.
“I thought it was kind of odd,” Squisher said, “but it’s not the silliest thing Argh’s said during a meeting, so I let it pass. I kind of wish I’d known what was going on.”
When former commissioner Strom Crone heard about Spumoni’s power play, steam shot out his ears and his eyes bulged six feet out of their sockets. In the distance, a faint “AAAAHHH-OOOOOHH-GAAAHHH!” horn screamed.
“It’s outrageous,” Crone said. “Argh’s been ignoring the will of the voters for years now. It’s nauseating to imagine him as commissioner for another four years. And to be mayor of all the county’s towns? Where’s my gun?”
While residents remain abuzz over the news over Spumoni’s end-run of the voters’ will, the international religious community is equally frantic about his choice of which holy man’s job he’s going to take: On July 1, Spumoni will don the saffron robes of the Dalai Lama.
“I hear His Holiness recognizes the importance of children to our future,” Spumoni said. “I have to remain celibate for almost two years, but the future of our planet sometimes demands great sacrifices.”
In Rome, Pope John Paul George Ringo said he’d be surprised if anyone recognizes Spumoni’s new role as a religious leader.
And, speaking from exile at a casino in Dubai, the actual Dalai Lama said he’s not giving up his saffron robes to anyone any time soon.
“If this guy wants my robes, he’s going to have to take ’em,” His Holiness grumbled. “Let’s see how many decades of meditation and martial arts training this guy has. I say, bring it, bitch.”