APRIL FOOL’S DeLay: Feed Medicare recipients to zombies | VailDaily.com

APRIL FOOL’S DeLay: Feed Medicare recipients to zombies

Sean L'Mort

Stung by a perceived defeat in the Terri Schiavo feeding tube case, House Republicans pushed through a bill Thursday aimed at dealing with a “zombie event” such as those depicted in popular sci-fil films like “Dawn of the Dead” and “28 Days Later.”The largely meaningless bill, dubbed the “Romero’s Law” after zombie-film director George Romero, is primarily aimed at energizing the conservative base, according to Rep. Tom DeLay (R-TX). DeLay explained that the religious right is “highly interested” in the rights not only of the unborn but the “not quite dead” as well.”Zombies represent just another faction of the culture of life that we hold dear,” DeLay said. “People who aren’t yet born and those who aren’t quite dead have very little say in what becomes of them. They are still God’s creatures, and they need representation.”Romero’s Law postulates the existence of “tens of thousands of undead, barely dead or marginally alive humans who need to feed.” In accordance with Republican beliefs, the bill declares zombies to be of “high importance,” and suggests that simply shooting them in the head or clubbing them, spitting or piking them or decapitating them is contrary to “culture of life” principles. The bill suggests the zombies be “repurposed” either as Border Patrol agents or DMV workers.When it was pointed out to DeLay that zombies typically need live human flesh to continue their activities – a potential homeland security risk – he suggested feeding them Medicare recipients.”It’s a win-win situation,” DeLay said. “Medicare is in trouble, these people are old as hell and the zombies need to eat. Trimming the ranks of those on the public dole is, in my view, an excellent way of solving the problem. Now, we just have to kinda hope for a zombie event.”House Democrats voting for the bill couldn’t deny its application to a potentially at-risk minority of zombies, who would ostensibly be denied health care coverage due to a pre-existing condition (death).”It disgusts me the way DeLay and his gang are making this just another chapter in the battle to outlaw abortion,” said Diana DeGette (D-CO). “But, ridiculous though it may sounds, zombies really would be in a pickle, much worse off than some of our other signature minorities.”President Bush, who flew in to sign the bill on a rocket ship from his fake ranch in Texas – and then via jetpack from the airport to the White House – was angered when he learned the Senate had to approve it first.”Dang it,” Bush said. “I interrupted brush-clearin’ and a really good mountain bike ride to be here an’ all. You sure I can’t sign it yet?” Vail, Colorado

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