April Fool’s: Developer vows revenge
Vail, CO Colorado
EDWARDS ” Dangus Dirtgrab ” whose controversial big box development, Pillage at Edwards, was built in a well-loved wildlife viewing area ” is no longer the county’s most hated developer, according to a recent poll by a local anti-growth group.
Dirtgrab has been usurped by The We Make Big Bucks Company as the county’s No. 1 “evil, land-raping, Bambi-killing” developer, according to the Citizens for Small Towns and other Good Things that are Also Small, Such As Children and Kittens.
The Bucks Company’s private rollercoaster, amusement and condo park ” planned for south of Minturn ” is credited with giving the Alabama-based development company its new surge in the polls.
“We thought we had seen it all when Dangus Dirtgrab turned a marmot migration corridor into his own personal money-making machine,” said Dilly Wonkers, spokeswoman for the anti-growth group. “But The Bucks Company truly is declaring war on Eagle County’s landscape by suggesting he can shave 2,000 feet of elevation off Notch Mountain so there’s a flat surface for his fancy-schmancy rollercoaster complex.”
Bucks Company, the owner and namesake of his company, declined to comment on the poll, but noted that his company is planning to seek LEED (Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design) certification for the project.
Dirtgrab said he was shocked by the news that he had slipped in the polls. He vowed to “claw my way back to No. 1 again.”
“I own more land than anyone else in this county,” he said. “I invented big box development. I’ve put more Wal-Marts and Targets in more wildlife areas than anyone else in the entire state.”
Some outsiders say Dirtgrab’s decision to reduce the number of big boxes at the Pillage at Edwards ” from 12 national retailers to 11 ” may have given some the impression that Dirtgrab is becoming more concerned about the impact urban-style development is having on the Vail Valley.
“Nah,” Dirtgrab said. “I just decided it wouldn’t make financial sense to have two Sports Authoritys within walking distance of each other. It would have been cool, though.”
In fact, Dirtgrab announced this week he is planning a “massive” development south of Edwards that “is sure to get local undies in a twist.” The project calls for a Mall of America-style mall, complete with two Gaps, a Baby Gap, a Gap Kids and a Gap Cats, to be built on 4,000 acres of former National Forest land up Lake Creek Road.
The U.S. Forest Service recently swapped the 4,000-acre parcel for three acres Dirtgrab owned near Tennessee Pass. The Forest Service plans to store a snowplow on the three-acre parcel.
Within hours of hearing of Dirtgrab’s new brainchild, a local wildlife group began work on trying to block the project. The group, Save the Unicorns, is working with the Colorado Division of Wildlife to have Dirtgrab’s parcel declared as critical unicorn habitat.
“The forested hillsides, the twinkling waterfalls and the grassy nolls make this parcel a natural breeding ground for unicorns,” said Nan Twinkly, the self-declared “Top Hobbitt” of the unicorn group. “Unicorns need green landscapes, where they are not bothered by humans, as well as natural rainbow-ending locations, for their survival.”
Past efforts to convince the Division of Wildlife to declare any part of Colorado as unicorn habitat ” or to even recognize that unicorns exist ” have failed. Twinkly believes this time, his group has a chance.