APRIL FOOLS " EDTC meets with HDTV on JOA discussion
EAGLE COUNTY ” At a worksession Tuesday, the BOCC voted on an initiative to establish a new paradigm for wildlife management protocols (WMPs).
Speaking to the BOCC, USFS recreational instream flow diversion specialist Wilson Tweedy referred to documentation from the Colorado DOW referencing elk migration corridors impacted by wetlands sedimentation and point-source runoff with zinc content in the 100 PPM range.
“It’s pretty simple,” Tweedy said. “The established PPM protocol put forth by the DOW is a dynamic paradigm that works off baseline indices for corridor management and boreal flax-seed augmentation, as indicated in table 3.32 in the draft master mitigation reclamation plan.
“Spatula plug-drainage garlic press mumbledypeg whippets,” he added.
Asked to further explain the process, Tweedy initiated a two-hour PowerPoint presentation about a JOA for the Wildwood HOA’s lynx redistribution coyote wildland scat muster.
“I don’t know about the rest of you, but that’s a whole lotta hooey,” said commissioner Puddle Munyon. “It’s like antlers on a kitten in late June. Ya gotta saw ’em off or get scratched to death.”
Todd Kornfeld, acting county divisional project director for the ECMP3, agreed.
“At the end of the day, we’ve got to move forward with a win-win situation we can all live with,” he said. “But the devil’s in the details.”
In a bid to pump up mud-season bookings at its hotels, Vail Resorts has partnered with MTV to host a nude gondola fighting series on Vail Mountain.
Vail spokeswoman Jenny Penny said the contests will pit “clothing challenged pugilists” in hand-to-hand combat inside the cars of the Eagle Bahn gondola at the base of Lionshead throughout the month of May.
Each fighting car will be equipped with six high-definition cameras to record the action, Penny said. Fighters both male and female will be loaded into the cars at the bottom and have the entire trip to attempt knocking the other unconscious.
“The cars will be about half full with cooked fettuccini in a nice putanesca sauce,” she said. “For safety, flavor and extra challenge.”
Vinny Klüg, tournament master for the World Nude Gondola Fighting Association, said Vail is a natural stop for the sport’s world tour – which includes Stowe, Vermont, Gstaad, Switzerland and Mt. Cook, New Zealand. Different locations feature different sauces for the pasta, he added, all of which are available in jar form at Safeway.
“Fighting nude in pasta in a moving gondola at high altitude is a truly challenging sport,” Klüg said. “And there’s no question as to the outcome, since you’re either victorious or unconscious.
“And if you like black olives and capers, you really can’t beat it,” he said of the Vail putanesca.
Penny said the final go-ahead for the series is continent on approval of a categorical exclusion permit from the U.S. Forest Service and completion of a promotional deal with American Beauty pasta.
“We’re almost there,” she said. “It’s totally win-win.”
VAIL ” In appealing a denial of his 30-story condo development and cement factory/jai alai arena just off Bridge Street in Vail, developer Joseph DeCicciCicciCicci warned town council members of the consequences of another denial.
“I’d hate to see, you know, anything bad happen to youses pretty friggin’ town here,”
DeCicciCicciCicci said. “That’d be a shame since, like I says, it’s a really friggin’ nice place.”
Known by the New York media as “Joey Three Cheeks,” DeCicciCicciCicci has been working on his proposed development since being released from federal prison two years ago on racketeering charges. Vowing to “go straight” at the time, DeCicciCicciCicci set his sights on real estate development, including a cement factory in Newark, N.J., a combination cement factory, fish cannery and miniature golf course in Scottsdale, Ariz. and the multi-use development planned in Vail.
When councilmember Matt Milquequist told DeCicciCicciCicci he was “out of line,” the former mobster put him in a head lock until Milquequist sang “That’s Amore!” in falsetto.
“I’d hate to see a guy with a nice voice like that lose, you know, his house to some kind of unfortunate friggin’ accidental fire,” Three Cheeks said.
Town council unanimously approved the development during an executive session that same evening. Construction is slated to begin in June.
Some live out of their cars, some “sofa surf” between friends’ homes while others make do with dwellings made of old appliances boxes in the woods near Wolcott. But all of Eagle County’s homeless service workers need money for basic needs, and that’s the idea behind the Vail Homeless Tour fundraiser.
“You’ll get to see their Sterno cans, their pruno stills, their disgusting mattresses and appalling living conditions right up close,” said Vail Homeless Tour organizer Jildred Mung. “It’s amazing the ingenuity of these folks and how carefully they decorate with old ski race posters, rafting brochures and real estate magazines.”
Admission for the Homeless Tour is $20. Rickshaws powered by homeless folks will take guest from the “corrugated condos” outside Minturn to the VW vagabonds who park on county roads near Gypsum.
Life just moves too fast. That’s the idea that led developers of a high-end resort near Gilman to include a zeppelin port at the village.
“We’re trying to encourage a laid-back atmosphere here at the Pines at the Cribbings,” developer Tanker A. Gin said. “The people who buy these homes usually lead a rush-rush lifestyle. We’re encouraging them to view the Pines at the Cribbings as a place they can relax.”
Homeowners will be able to bring their own zeppelins, Gin said.
“Or they can fly into Eagle in their boring old corporate jets and we’ll pick them up,” he said.
The trip from Eagle to Gilman should only take three or four hours, Gin said.
“But there’s no better way to see the Rockies than by floating over them,” Gin said. “Plus, in the fall we’ll have elk hunts.”
With standard apartment complexes being turned into expensive condominiums and time-shares faster than elk turn into deer in springtime, county officials have come up with a new plan to house low-income workers.
“The government-subsidized affordable apartment complex model is so early 21st Century,” County Commissioner Dwayne Buckshot said. “We’ve got to think outside the box.”
Outside, indeed. The county unveiled its “Back to Nature affordable housing” plan Friday at a meeting with workers and small business owners. The plan calls for the construction of tens of thousands of tree houses, tree forts, wigwams, yurts and teepees in the forests between Vail Pass and Glenwood Canyon.
“Real estate is a prime commodity,” Eagle County Housing Director Bart Mooney said. “But we’ve got no end of trees. I mean, everywhere you look, right?”
The forest units will mainly be studios, though some may have two or three bedrooms. As for bathrooms, Mooney said, “Tenants can do their businesses the way God intended them to. The same way Adam and Eve relieved themselves.”
Assistant forest ranger Grubby Earthworm said his agency will review the plan but at first glance, there appear to be some benefits to populating the woods with laborers.
“For one thing, they can give directions to lost hikers,” Earthworm said. “No. 2, they can watch for pine beetles. For instance, a tenant can alert us when the bugs from his or her tree plan to fly and infect several others. Perhaps we can stop them.
“Because the worst-case scenario, and this could happen anyday, is the beetles will mutate into carniverous dinosaur-type beasts and start eating people.”
” Ingemar Bergman
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