APRIL FOOL’S Group targets ‘Xtreme’ gapers | VailDaily.com
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APRIL FOOL’S Group targets ‘Xtreme’ gapers

Wolfowitz of Arabia

VAIL – Borrowing a page from the so-called “war on terror,” a Vail group claiming to speak for the locals is intercepting and deporting tourists deemed guilty of egregious breaches of manners, tact and protocol.The group, Gaper Go Home!, is fronted by local “rad-Republican chick” Frieda Crawdad, who says she speaks for many in the community who are “sick to death” of being “walked on” by tourists.”Here’s a great example,” Crawdad said, standing on Bridge Street on a recent spring day flipping chunks of curdled tofu at passersby. “I was standing at the deli counter at City Market the other day, and there’s this old lady with a one-piece ski suit and some stupid hat. And she’s taking forever, tasting sample of different things and asking dumb questions while me and a bunch of locals were lined up behind her. This went on for minute after minute after minute.”And woe unto the tourist who employs what Crawdad calls the “gaper suitcase” the oft-scoffed-at impromptu contraption some skiers new to the sport use to carry their skis and poles. Crawdad and her “posse” won’t hesitate to confiscate the gear, dismantle the suitcase and hustle the offending skier into a waiting van. From there, it’s off to “some really crappy ski area” in the Midwest or Northeast.”These people simply don’t deserve Colorado skiing,” Crawdad said.Eagle County police say their powerless stop Gaper Go Home because the group, which donated heavily to the Republican Party during the last election, has convinced the U.S. Department of Homeland Security to legally classify certain tourists as “enemy combatants.””What they have is a designation based on a variety of different offenses,” said one undercover officer. “If you stand for too long in a doorway, for example, and you’re wearing a one-piece Descente suit and ski boots more than one mile from a ski area, you can get tagged. They may not send you to Cuba or Syria, but you could wind up at Hunter Mountain (in New York).”One man, who was hustled onto a Gulf Stream jet and flown for a week of boilerplate skiing at Sugarbush in Vermont, said he figures he got what was coming to him.”I was on skate skis, OK? And I tried to pay for lunch with a Diner’s Club card,” he said, asking that his name – Wally Hatchet – not be revealed. “I was wearing this retarded cowboy hat, too, a New York Rangers jersey and some really awful sunglasses I got at Wal-Mart.”Reports remain unconfirmed that the man accepted culpability for such acts only after being threatened with a month at Sugar Mountain Ski Area in North Carolina. Vail, Colorado


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