APRIL FOOL’s Letters | VailDaily.com
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APRIL FOOL’s Letters

Doesn’t get it

I don’t understand your Foco Hispano section. I mean, I don’t speak Mexican, for one thing, and then I’m thinking, like, what if there’s stuff in there I need to know? Or what if there are coded messages to the illegal community in there that the Minutemen should know about? How would we ever know?

At the end of the day, the bottom line is that these people need to learn ENGLISH! Comprende? Last I checked, this isn’t Mexico or Madrid. If I go to these places, I figure I need to know Mexican, so why can’t these people do it?



Blair Tancredowitz

Burns



Editor’s note: We will soon have a re-translated version of Foco Hispano available online.

Lazy reporting

I’m just wondering why you guys don’t write about what’s really going on in the Vail Valley. Wake up and smell the coffee ” do you guys even know what’s going on in Edwards? Why don’t you look into how they time the stoplights at the Hwy 6 intersection and ask our two bleeding-heart Democratic commie-missioners why they’re always giving into the “I don’t want to get run over by a car” lobby.



I don’t need to be sitting there waiting for five mothers to push their $1,000 strollers across the street. If you can’t cross the highway fast enough, stay on your side of the road.

Wilma Sniveling

Edwards

CSAP is evil

I’ve been reading about this CSAP test thing. I took something called the “Iowa test” when I was a kid, and we had to sit around for days filling in little ovals and trying to figure out stuff like what does a shape look like if you look at it from another angle and if a train leaves a station and another train leaves a station and they meet in the middle … and all this stuff.

It made me crazy when I was a kid. Once, in sixth grade, I brought a small power drill to class during the Iowa tests, and I drilled about 300 holes in the teacher’s desk while he was sleeping and then I had to go away to this place.

So what I’m saying is I think these tests are EVIL and that they DESTROY young LIVES and they should be STOPPED before more kids DRILL holes in the FRIGGIN’ desk and have to go to a special PLACE where you eat lots of PILLS and wear pajamas all day LONG.

Children should play with blocks instead, and when they’re older, erector sets. Video games kill too.

Cheers.

Mulva Tawdry

Camarillo, Calif.

There you go again

Matt Z, we know you hate George Bush. I bet you can’t write a check without insulting the president. I feel sorry for you that you hate America so much. Don’t you realize it’s people like President Bush fighting terror that enables you to live your blissfully ignorant life here in the mountains? Maybe you’d like it if Saddam told you what to think.

Have you ever been to the Middle East? I haven’t, but Bill O’Riley has and he says things are much better now because President Bush isn’t a whiney, wimpy liberal who’s more worried about the self-esteem of inner-city kids than the people who want to destroy America with dirty bombs and smallpox.

I’ll be sure to think of you when Jeb Bush is elected president in 2008 and re-elected in 2012 and then come Jenna Bush as president next and the Barbara and you’ll have to move to Teheran where they’re as hateful as you are.

Gurdy Fowler

Wolcott

Otter decoy

Dear Dail Vaily,

As the definitive news source in the Vail Valley, and the region, I need to report “PUBLICALLY” that I saw some really creepy stuff going on near Wolcott on the Eagle River.

I was camouflaged in the shrubbery urinating as I watched this disgusting situation unfold. I saw a shiny SUV with a clever rack for fly-fishing rods pull in and park and two men got out. One was presumably a fly-fishing guide because he wore the right clothes and spoke in a boastful manner. The other was presumably a tourist because as he emerged from the car he slowly turned 360 degrees in a dumbfounded state as if he had been dropped on Mars.

The guide pointed down toward the river, and then gestured with his hand like “The Big One” was down there. They ambled down the steep bank, and everything seemed normal.

Then quietly a second vehicle pulled up, and two more “fishermen” appeared each wearing a bulky jacket. One of the men went upstream, the other downstream. From my vantage point, with my mini-binoculars I watched the following grim situation unfold.

From under the bulky jackets, each of the men pulled out a very real replica of a two-foot long river otter, attached it to the line on the end of their rod, and cast it nearly to the opposite bank the river and reeled it in.

It didn’t take long to realize what was going on. The fish were scared toward the guide and his client, and soon they were pulling one lunker after another.

This “group fishing” is unethical and should be stopped at once. Could you please use your influence as a media giant and put an end to this madness.

Too Much of a Wimp to Sign My Full-Name,

Tim


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