APRIL FOOL’S " ‘Minimum Wage Militia’ hits the workforce
EAGLE COUNTY ” After a long career as a ruthless investment banker, Hank Chuckroast never though he’d be cleaning deep-fat fryers at Chomp-T-Burger for $4.50 an hour.
But the Singletree resident shows the burns on his forearms with pride.
“These infected blisters are what’ll keep America safe,” said Chuckroast, founder and field marshal of the “Minimum Wage Militia,” a group working to keep illegal immigrants out of the United States by taking service jobs and demanding paltry salaries.
Chuckroasts boasts his militiamen and women willl work for 25 percent less money than the average illegal.
After a 10-hour shift alongside Chuckroast at Avon’s Chomp-T-Burger, Belinda Guppy, the group’s spiritual leader, says she hustles up to the Pricey Pines Villas in Beaver Creek, where she’s the emergency night-time janitor. The pay? A flat fee of $30 a night.
“The slipped-disc and sprained knees are worth saving the union,” Guppy said. “And these suppurating boils on my neck I get because I’m allergic to bleach? They ooze red, white and blue.”
The militia was formed out of frustration with what the group sees as the Bush Administration’s lack of interest in cracking down on immigrants who “come and go as they please, bringing crime, disease and poverty,” Chuckroast said.
“Plus, they seem to think they can make ‘rinds’ out of anything,” he complained. “Pork rinds, chicken rinds, spicy gopher rinds, trout rinds, chipotle monkey rinds! Where does it end? Giraffe cracklins?”
But Festus Gerbilweed of Dotsero calls Chuckroast’s outfit a bunch of “sissies content with baby steps and half-measures.” Gerbilweed and some of his “drinkin’ and whittlin'” buddies are taking more radical measures ” specifically, they are moving their families to rural Mexico to live in the substandard conditions prevalent in the blighted region.
“Let’s see how those Mexican villagers like it when a whole bunch of gringos take over their town, demand housing and fill up the schools with children who’ll fail their Mexican assessment tests, and insist all the workers at the local Super Wal-Mart speak English,” Gerbilweed said.
Dr. Frodo Pescado Frijoles-Pescado, a professor of Roman Candleology at Southwestern New Mexico College of Fireworks, said Gerbilweed’s plan, “as demented and offensive as it is,” might actually work.
“The people in these villages have pretty much given up on the government making their lives any better,” Frijoles-Pescado said. “When these idiots get down there and see just how horrible it is, and start to understand why these immigrants are flocking to America, they’ll freak out. Because they’ll be so new and so naive they might think they can get some things changed.
“Would you like some fruitbat rinds? Peppered hagfish cracklins?”
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