APRIL FOOL’S " Mom-and-pop shops banned
BEAGLE COUNTY ” Realizing that big-box stores are the “wave of the future” and “there’s no need for anything else” Beagle County governments Friday banned new Mom-and-Pop stores from now until global warming makes skiing a memory.
“We’ll need all the tax revenues from all the county’s citizens from now until Tar-Mart’s shares go into the crapper,” said Floyd Meddlestrom, managing coordinator for marketing continuity and subterfuge.
“There’s no time like today to plan for yesterday. Because, as we all know, tomorrow is only yesterday’s today,” Meddlestrom. “We shouldn’t wait for tomorrow to capitalize on the past’s future folly of today.”
While shaking hands with every single developer in the Vail Valley, Meddlestrom mentioned the “100,000-square-foot” requirement under his collar, away from prying microphones. Apparently, no smaller stores smaller than that will be allowed.
After the announcement, all of the small business owners who had showed up were arrested for “crimes against commerce.”
“What a fine sight,” Meddlestrom said. “It’s just great to see this scourge on true capitalism separated from its life.”
After the business owners were gone, the rest of the community was quiet. Corporate memos were issued. They read: “Your neighbor’s fate might be your own, keep quiet and don’t talk to the press. That is all.”
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