April Fool’s: Pheromones cause global warming, scientists say

Carl Sagan
No, not that Carl Sagan

DENVER — Global warming spikes every spring and pheromones are the cause, says an exhaustive new study by the National Academy of Pocket Protectors.

“It’s at least partially attributable to the wussification of the American male, and the powerful pheromone clouds released into the atmosphere each spring,” said environmental scientist Chevy Galore.

The term “pheromone” was introduced by Peter Karlson and Martin Lüscher in 1959, based on the Greek word pherein (to transport) and hormone (to stimulate).

“It’s no coincidence that in 1959 young people were transporting their stimulation by cruising around with each other in convertibles as the spring weather warmed,” Chevy said.

As Americans embraced the Great American Symphony that is the well-tuned V-8 engine, as well as rock ‘n’ roll at volumes unheard since the Big Bang (which would be a great name for a rock band), the carbon output from those cars combined with pheromones to warm even the most arctic atmosphere, Chevy said.

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As cars spewed less carbon, the wussification of the American male increased at dizzying rates.

As men became more wussified, through the advent of disco music, polyester leisure suits and later the minivan, they stopped acknowledging their basic desires to throw sharp sticks at small animals. Men, therefore, added more of their own pheromones to the mix and global warming increased at an increasing rate — sort of the same way objects fall at an increasing rate of speed — which is sort of like the president’s approval ratings.

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