April Fool’s recipe: Eagle-lynx-sculpin stew
Daily intestinal reporter
Vail, CO Colorado
Uncle Al’s eagle-lynx-sculpin partisan potpourri
Here’s an all-American treat for your next wedding, graduation party or $1,000-a-plate fundraiser:
Two bald eagles, killed, plucked and cubed.
One Canada lynx, killed, skinned, gutted and ground.
Two five-gallon buckets of sculpin, gutted, decapitated and scaled.
Five pounds of onions, drawn and quartered.
Three five-gallon buckets of mustard greens, stemmed.
14 gallons water.
Four one-gallon cans of creamed corn.
3/4 gallon of magnesium chloride, strained.
5 ounces cayenne pepper.
1 quart beetle-killed pine-infused oil
Juniper-flavored vinegar to taste
1 box saltine crackers.
1 liter of gin.
Make yourself a martini.
In a 55-gallon barrel over a roaring tire fire, combine the water, mag chloride, corn, sculpin, greens and pepper. Bring to a simmer for 6 hours.
Make another martini. Maybe two.
Brown eagle cubes in a cup of the oil. Reserve the cubes, and throw the guts, claws and beaks at the cat.
Make 1 tbsp meatballs from the ground lynx and crackers. Add vinegar to taste. Sautee in a cup of the oil. Tan the hide to make a pair of lovely moccasins.
After the mixture in the barrel has simmered for six hours, add the eagle cubes and lynx meatballs. Bring to a rolling boil for 18 seconds. Remove the barrel from the tire fire with a forklift. Don’t spill!
Make another martini.
Serve, collect money for your political action committee, then take a nap. Wake up, take ibuprofen. Leftovers, if any, can be used for aromatic beauty masks at the local spa.
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