April Fool’s: Resorts have own Navies
VAIL Oh the sweet sounds of the wrecking ball echoing off the ski slopes. Just when you thought construction might be nearing an end in Vail Village and Lionshead, several firms announced plans to tear down their almost-finished mega-hotel projects none of which had opened and re-redevelop them. Just when we saw, for the first time, the Grand Marmot Lodge taking shape is when we knew in our hearts we had to start over, said Genghis Piledriver, president of Kablammo Resort Strategies Inc. Youve got to keep fresh, and other destination resorts are planning much more spectacular properties.Plans for the Grand Marmot were contemporary and even hip, when they were finalized in late 2004, but a hotel project in Whistler called Opulencia Exorbitancia scared the pants off of Piledriver and his partners, the Texas billionaire said. This durn thing has like its own private indoor lake, Piledriver said. All we had was a cottin-pickin lazy-river hot tub.
The Marmotina Majestica, the 875,0000-square-foot lodge that will rise in the ashes of the Grand Marmot, will not only have a private indoor lake, but an adjoining beach thats connected to 350-acre indoor ski hill, Piledriver boasted. Well be the first to have slopeside slopes, Piledriver chortled as pieces of Texas toast dribbled onto his polar-bear hide vest. Its ski-in, ski-out, ski-back-in, ski-inside skiing whatever. Its awesome.
Ulf Flamethrower, president of Eyesorex International, already has crews pulling apart his Pompous Pinecone Resort & Spa down the street. Though tens of millions of Pompous Pinecone condominiums have been sold and the resorts gondola running from an indoor elk-hunting range to a replica of the Roman coliseum where gladiators wouldve faced black bears captured in local forests had become operational, Flamethrower said he made the difficult decision to cut his losses.We just didnt dream high enough, a dejected Flamethrower said as he wrapped himself in the pelts of several poached grizzly bears. The Imperial Otter Palace, which will replace the Pompous Pinecone, will have, among other amenities, a 75,000-seat football stadium to which Flamethrower said he hopes to attract a professional football team and monster truck shows.
Also facing the wrecking ball is the 19-story Royal Chipmunk Tower built by Antiguan reggae-music baron Antoine Sandblaster, who had a fit when he learned of a Swiss resorts plan to level one of the Alps and replace it with a complex of resort castles with its own space station orbiting overhead. They got their own private rockets to take guests to outer space, Sandblaster said. All I had was a pathetic life-size replica of the Grand Canyon in the basement. Sandblaster has demolished his Bridge Street behemoth and purchased the entire town of Minturn, which he plans to level and replace with a 30,000-room, eight-star resort that, once all the guests have returned to their rooms after a day of skiing, will actually launch into the air and orbit the earth overnight, making stops in various exotic locations. Sandblaster also has plans for elevator-time machines in which guests, when their vacation ends, can go back in time to the beginning of their trip.Never-ending vacations, Sandblaster bragged. Beat that!
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Vail’s updated plans regarding the state guidelines and isolation housing requirements is one of several pieces of information guests are waiting on heading into the 2020-21 season.