April Fool’s: Resorts to host ‘ski-less’ championships
Investigative rumor ‘riter
VAIL — Vail Resorts will make a bold statement highlighting global warming with a “ski-less” 2015 Alpine World Championships, sources say.
“Of course, the athletes will be skiing,” a Vail Valley Foundation insider said. “So everyone will have a wonderful time, and we believe attendance at the events will rival Europe in addition to all the wonderful benefits for raising consciousness about climate change.”
Running ski resorts, particularly large world-class ones such as Vail and Beaver Creek, contributes to a mounting problem for the world, and ski industry brass recognizes that, said a member of the social media department who heard someone say something to someone in the environmental department who had expressed frustration with changing light bulbs and the slow progress in composting food waste on the mountains.
“I saw (big kahuna) Rob Katz nod, and well, that’s that,” the male or female double secret source said.” The board is with it, and we think the analysts will see the brilliance in the savings not just of resources but money during a peak time for energy use. Personally, I think this will be a great hit with our skiing guests who have shown a lot of concern about something called ‘sustainability,’ although we can’t quite define what that means exactly.”
TOWN OF VAIL PITCHES IN
The town of Vail is preparing to do its part by shutting off the underground heating of streets and walkways in the villages, a town source said.
“We’ll go that half step back to nature the way she intended,” the source. “It’s the mountains. It’s winter. I think people can handle a little snow in a place where, well, it snows. I mean, come on. The oceans are rising because of our indulgences.”
Resort personnel will not stop people from snowshoeing or skinning up either Vail or Beaver Creek, so long as they have passes or “lift” tickets, the social media person said. “We’ll have some sort of contest,” they said. “We’ll make up the rules as we go along, like we did this season with the Epic Pass contest to get people to all our resorts.”
It will be a large undertaking to ramp down for the weeks of the big event, and then ramp up again, the source acknowledged.
A lift op at Chair 4, however, has already been heard expressing delight at the midwinter chance to go to Maui.
“I’ll get to wear an aloha shirt where it truly belongs,” he exclaimed, “and not just those last slushy spring afternoons here.”
A series of press releases touting the idea and patting corporate officials on the back for their farsighted wisdom already is being written and set up for carefully timed submission, another source confirmed.
Not everyone in the organization is happy, though.
‘DUMBEST THING I’VE HEARD’
“This has got to be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, and I’ve heard a lot of dumb things,” a PR assistant muttered very quietly on the phone when asked if this could possibly be true.
“I mean, really, really dumb. This is like banning the newspaper and other publications from the championships just to make a self-satisfied point that means, well, nothing. But at least we’ll cut off our own nose to spite our own face and not monkey with other businesses in our community. Besides, by now we should know that digital devices are more damaging to the environment than paper anyway. Think about it. Paper at least can go in a landfill, if it’s not recycled.”
Officials contacted for the record denied any thought or plan to close the lifts for the championships.
“Ludicrous,” said one, who also asked that his or her name not be used. “And I don’t mean the rapper, who I can neither confirm nor deny is coming to perform, and who told you that Ludacris is coming anyway!?”
The Beaver Creek Homeowners Association, however, said they refuse to believe Vail Resorts about anything, ever.
“We barely stopped Six Flags from from opening a full-on amusement park here,” said a homeowner Alfred E. Newman. “And don’t think for a moment they’ll stop at closing the lifts. These people are capable of anything.”
“Dude, I’ll be in Breck anyway,” a snowboarder said when asked for his reaction. “These kind of ideas are kind of what you get with legalizing pot, you know?”