April Fool’s: Robots replace Vail Resorts grunts
Daily Arcade Repairwoman
Vail, CO Colorado
VAIL, Colorado ” The Vail Resort Corporation, in the wake of scarce visas for foreign workers, has decided to lay off all human employees on the mountain and replace them with robots.
The robots are going to “live” in the Eagle Bahn Gondola in the evenings. A few humans will work two-hour shifts in both the mornings and evenings in order to load and unload the robots from the gondola.
The company wasn’t really considering the impact it would have on the town or surrounding communities when it decided to lay off humans ” it was purely focused on cutting both costs and the headache of trying to obtain visas for all the foreigners.
When told of the news that the robots would practically eliminate the need for affordable housing in the valley, a company spokesperson said, “Great. If we can weed out the poor and middle class and keep the mountain and surrounding areas wealthy, then we feel like we’re doing our part for the community.”
The county’s affordable housing crisis, which has been going on for years, is not so dire anymore, said the county’s housing director.
“The only people who were creating this affordable housing mess were the poor people who live here,” he said. “Vail’s layoffs are great for everybody. We might even consider eliminating the public transportation system now.”
Vail Resort Corporation also noted that the robots, while responsible for the lay-offs of hundreds of local workers, are coming from an American factory “someplace in the Midwest.”
“We’re using everything American. We want to support the American economy in every way possible,” said the Vail Resort Corporation spokesperson. “I know it looks bad that we’re laying off workers in Vail, but at least we’re supporting them someplace else.”
The timing for the switch to robots couldn’t be better, because many of the mountain’s employees say they wouldn’t work here again next year anyhow.
“That Epic Season Pass is so cheap, why would I need this crappy job scanning lift tickets just to get my season pass when I can afford to buy one myself now,” said Jake Zellar, a liftie from Madison, Wisc.
When asked whether the switch to robots would help decrease the costs of things on and around the mountain, the Vail Resort Corporation spokesperson said, “What are you nuts?”
Daily lift ticket prices will remain at $92, and “might go up,” the spokesperson said. A cup of chili at the Two Elk Lodge will run about $35.95, a 12-ounce Gatorade at mid-Vail will cost $25 and a beer at Buffalo’s will be $16.
“Just because we’re switching to robots and will be saving a ton of money doesn’t mean we don’t want to see our profits soar,” the spokesperson said.
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VAIL — The lift operator in the maze at Vail Village’s Gondola One tilts his head back and hollers: “Masks up please!”