APRIL FOOL’S " Say Dubai to Vail
ABU DHABI ” Tuesday, United Arab Emirates-owned Ski Dubai announced the purchase of Vail Mountain for 56 bazillion Emirati dirham ($535.21 million U.S.). Ski Dubai came to terms in principle with the Denver/Vail/Vail CEO Rob Katz’s living room-based Vail Resorts, with the complete transfer to occur later this month.
Immediately after Ski Dubai CEO Abu Al-Muqtada al-Sadr-Walker-Lindh made the announcement on Al-Jazeera’s nightly podcast, Colorado and United States politicians denounced the deal as a security threat.
“Vail is one of the most terrorist-prone areas in the United States,” said Vail Mayor Dor Rifles. “This move would greatly endanger our blase lifestyle. Gosh, first ecoterrorists, now this?”
President George Bush supported the deal and said he would veto any attempt to block the sale.
“I want those who are questioning it to step up and explain why all of a sudden a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard than an American company,” Mr. Bush said. “I am trying to conduct foreign policy now by saying to the people of the world, ‘We’ll treat you fairly.’ Unless you are in Guantanamo Bay. Still, I love freedom and hate those who hate those who love freedom.”
In response to security concerns, Al-Muqtada al-Sadr-Walker-Lindh said he would be willing to relocate Vail Mountain.
“Look, we can just move it to Dubai,” Al-Muqtada al-Sadr-Walker-Lindh said. The plan to move the actual mountain includes excavating the earth with a small nuclear device that would leave Eagle County habitable in about 20 years.
“I mean, come on, most people in Vail are second-home owners who don’t even use their houses that much,” he said. “Besides, anyone who isn’t a second-home owner is obviously an illegal immigrant and can emigrate to the Emirates.”
Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-Colorado), who last year caused controversy with his comment that the United States should bomb Mecca if terrorists detonate a nuclear device in the United States, supported the relocation of the mountain.
“I hate terrorist, but not as much as illegal immigrants,” Tancredo said. “This will solve our immigrant problem and allow us bomb Mecca, and it will also distract the public from charges that I’ve been free-basing Ajax in my office.”
A new face
Al-Muqtada al-Sard-Walker-Lindh said there will be subtle changes in management style. Instead of Beaver Creek chefs handing out cookies at the base of the mountain, they will greet guests with “roses of the prophet Mohammed,” aka danishes.
Ski Dubai marketing director Salaam Eman outlined some of the new theme weeks including an ululating festival and camel skijoring. Eman said they will continue some older events, like Humor on the Slopes, where New Yorker Cartoonists hold contests and sessions, but with some changes.
“We will have some of Iran’s top cartoonists leading sessions in alternative cartoon drawing, such as goat herding cartoons,” Eman said.
Events that were held on Vail Mountain, such as the American Ski Classic, will still be held on Vail Mountain in Dubai.
“We honestly can’t wait for the Emirati Ski Classic,” Eman said. “I’m already sending out an invite for Osama Bin Laden. I hear he’s pretty good in the downhill.”
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