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April Fool’s: Vail, Aspen battle for rock supremacy

Conrad Killington
Staff Hotel Room Trasher
Vail, CO Colorado

VAIL VALLEY, Colorado ” It’s just one more reason for residents of Vail and Aspen to hate each other.

The war between the two mountain towns is just getting started and it’s not because of who gets better snow or which town’s residents are more wealthy.

No, the latest argument is over which town boasts better concerts and musical talent. And to bolster local concert lineups, club owners are looking in a very unusual place.

“Don’t be surprised if you find bands like The Who and The Beatles on our promotion posters in the near future,” said Kirk Falkirk, manager of Bottoms Down in Aspen.

This is just his latest push to out-rock Vail.

“It may sound crazy, but booking bands with deceased members is extremely lucrative for us,” Falkirk said.

He holds up a roster of artists scheduled to play his club in the next three months and spreads a toothy grin. On the list is Led Zeppelin, Bob Dylan, N.W.A., Freddie Mercury’s mustache and The Doors. The spreadsheet stretches on with countless big-name acts sure to draw huge crowds.

“Let’s see Vail try to beat this. I mean we got it all, we’re even the first stop on The Grateful Dead’s new tour. Ever since Garcia reunited with the band they’ve already sold out all over the world,” Falkirk said.

Meanwhile, in Vail, club owners and promoters gather like witches in the dark cellar of Peter O’Jellyfish. O’Jellyfish is the owner of The Crude Lion on Big Street in Vail and he is prepared to sell his soul to get the biggest names in music booked at his club. He has brought other local club owners together to summon the devil with him.

“We just want to ask him what we need to do to draw bigger crowds. Look, it’s hard to make a name for yourself when all you got playing in your bar is locals like Clyde “Kazoo” Kelly and The Last Stand Jam Band. Satan has a proven track record in the world of rock ‘n’ roll and we need his help to beat those bastards in Aspen,” O’Jellyfish said.

When asked who he would like to see play in Vail the most, O’Jellyfish replied: “Well, it depends on who we can summon from the grave. I’d really like to raise the spirit of Elvis, but I could get by with somebody like Axl Rose ” what’s that, he’s still alive … never mind then.”

When asked if his communion with His Sulphurousness had born any fruit, he mumbled underneath his breath that, so far, the biggest act booked was Pez Zeppelin, a Council Bluffs, Iowa-based band that covers the music of Lez Zeppelin, which is already a Led Zeppelin cover band.

“Hey, they do really awesome stuff on stage with Pez dispensers,” O’Jellyfish said. “Things you’ve never seen before.

“Plus, this puts Vail at the forefront of cover-band cover bands.”

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