April Fool’s: Vail Daily’s Hasan elected president
Vail, CO Colorado CO Vail Colorado Vail
VAIL, Colorado –Completing the most stunning election victory ever, Vail Valley resident Ali Hasan was elected president last night.
Vice President-elect Newt Gingrich was ecstatic as the once-little-known Hasan prevailed over one-term wonder Barak Obama.
“Look how far this country has come,” Gingrich said as he triumphantly contemplated a return to national office himself.
“Here’s a guy who never won office before, never served as a ‘community organizer,’ whatever that’s supposed to mean, but stepped up out of nowhere and into the American hearts and minds, and took the most powerful job in the world. It’s just an amazing American story, and I’m a history professor, you know.”
Hasan vowed that his first act in office would be to make sure a high-speed monorail runs between Denver International Airport and Vail, Colorado.
“It’s a promise I swore to keep,” he said. “And I’m a man of my word.”
He said that Douglas Bruce, author of TABOR and longstanding anti-tax advocate, would be his nominee for Treasury chief. He also said he was leaning heavily toward Sarah Palin as secretary of state, and Sean Hannity as chief of staff. He said he liked the idea of Ann Coulter as press secretary, but wasn’t sure he could get her to agree to the post.
“But think about those press conferences, eh?” he said.
Hasan had been aiming for Colorado state treasurer in early 2010 after an unsuccessful bid for state representative when he had a dinner with Gingrich that changed everything.
“Uncle Newt asked why I was going small, lowering my sights,” the president-elect recalled. “He encouraged me to think big, for a change. Colorado is only a little larger in population than Alaska. If Sarah Palin could run for vice president from there, I surely could go for the big job from Colorado.”
So he did, effectively winning over the massive if amorphous “tea party” movement across the country. Concerns about his Muslim faith evaporated quickly as he in essence taught the country that there is more to the religion than Sunnis and Shiites. His family is Sufi, mystical branch of Islam best known for its whirling dervishes and peaceful approach to the faith.
He campaigned on taking down “Obamacare,” consulting often with his father, a doctor who founded one of the most powerful health care organizations in the world.
Now he is planning to move into President Ford’s old home in Beaver Creek’s Strawberry Park in part to re-establish the valley’s historic ties to Washington, D.C., as the Western White House.
Hasan said he hopes to attract a new wave of leading Republican luminaries to Vail.
“We had great families like the Kemps and the Quayles, in addition to the Fords,” he said. “Bob Hope and Arnold Palmer were well acquainted with this paradise. I think it’s high time we had Tiger Woods and Rush Limbaugh as neighbors, and maybe Charles Barkley. And I’ve grown rather fond of Stephen Colbert. Now there’s a good Republican soul. I love that show.”
Ironically, given the Tea Party fervor that carried Hasan to office, the Democrats claimed a constitutional wrinkle in the election that they would take to court immediately.
Turncoat Arlen Specter apparently spirited out a copy of the Constitution before leaving the Republican Party and becoming a Democrat.
Democratic lawyers, fearing the worst case in this election, unearthed a clause in the document declaring that a candidate for president must be at least 35 years old.
No birth certificates for Mr. Hasan could be found during the campaign, and certain conspiracy theorists – known as “birthers” — are claiming that Hasan is not old enough under the Constitution to serve in office.
“Oh, these socialists will go to any extreme,” Gingrich sighed, and noted privately that the High Court is safely in Republican hands, as it was in 2000. Besides, he added, he’d never met a Democrat who actually had read the Constitution.