APRIL FOOL’S: Vail Daily’s initial stock offering soars
Daily Print Dinosaur
Vail, CO Colorado
VAIL, CO Colorado ” Conceding to popular demand, the Vail Daily truly has gone “corporate.”
The formerly privately-owned Daily’s initial public offering on the New York Stock Exchange hit $402 a share at peak Tuesday ” higher than Google before sliding to $287 on news that founder Jim Pavelich had bought a 20 percent stake in his old paper.
“I want to make sure they in fact do all those dastardly things I have been saying they are doing,” he said. “My papers don’t do corrections, so it’s not a big deal. But I’d sleep a little better if the rotten things I’m saying about them were actually true.”
He was unimpressed with the share price exceeding Google’s.
“I don’t even know what Google is,” he said, scoffing. “I don’t put much stock in the Internets.”
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With his stake, Pavelich extends his newspaper holdings in San Francisco and Denver to two in Vail.
He declined to comment on the future of his “The Onion” knockoff, which in its report of the news misspelled “Daily,” erroneously crowed that the paper’s stock price climbed nearly 50 percent on news of Pavelich’s purchase, and again accused the Vail Daily of beating up old ladies, stealing candy from babies and illegally encroaching on their ability to make below-cost deals for ads the community at large does not notice.
“Look, what’s cheating for them is just good, normal business for me,” Pavelich explained. “Besides, I can’t just keep taking a loss forever. How would it look if I charge as much or more than the big rotten monopoly?”
He cut off the interview when reminded that the term “monopoly” would not properly apply to a community served by two papers and multiple other media organizations. He slammed down his monogrammed ceramic Starbucks coffee mug and said he had to leave for Heidi’s to make sure that his exclusive deal to keep Vail Daily editions out of the Denver-based deli was not being compromised.
Fresh snow everyday
Less sensational, but perhaps more significant, Vail Resorts quietly snapped up a majority stake in the Vail Daily after the Pavelich-inspired price drop.
Analysts observed that now the Daily really was owned by the big ski company, a suspicion long held by some in the community.
At VR’s Broomfield headquarters, the PR department broke out champagne.
“We look forward to no more pictures and endless comments about skiers hanging upside down off chairlifts. Oh, and every day will have fresh snow, if the current management at the Daily gets our drift,” a company spokesperson said on condition of anonymity.
She did not want her name used because company leaders had not had a chance to meet with Daily managers as majority owners of the paper. It will be a much different conversation than perhaps in the past, she suggested.
“Let’s put it this way,” she said. “It never rains on the golf course, and it always snows at the ski resort. And no one gets hurt. OK?”
The Vail Daily’s editor, Mister Rogers, set aside his shoes and hung up his cardigan after his morning commuter flight from his Reno mansion before meeting with a throng of reporters outside his office who were struck by the fact that Daily briefly sold at a higher price than Google.
“Listen neighbor, Vail is not normal,” he explained. “Ever see the movie “Chinatown”? Our founder is our competitor is one of our new owners. It’s crazy. You know the line ‘That’s Chinatown’ when someone in the film asks why things are so strange? That’s Vail.”
The Google spike was just a bit of irrational exuberance at a paper with a 90 percent readership reminiscent of newspapers before television, Rogers said.
He guessed that Pavelich’s approach to news coverage as another way to carry advertising messages cooled the fervor pretty quickly. Still, Rogers said he was encouraged at the healthy IPO.
And he said he looked forward to working shoulder to shoulder with VR in the future.
“To tell you the truth,” Rogers said, “I was surprised to learn they didn’t already own us. That’s what I’d always been told out in public.”
“It’ll still just be a bunch of liberals at the Daily,” longtime resident Michael Cacioppo said. “Vail Resorts is a bunch of liberals, Pavelich is a liberal, all the voters in this valley are a bunch of liberals. I don’t care who owns that paper.
“I don’t care how many Republicans they quote, either,” he added “The Republicans are a bunch of liberals. And Rush Limbaugh?” He shook his head. “Well, he’s a liberal too.”
“I’m bringing back SpeakOut. Someone has to tell the truth.”
A check after the market closed showed that one of Cacioppo’s companies, Biz Briefs Ltd., had purchased a thousand shares in the Vail Daily. Whatever you might think of Cacioppo, he said, he’s nobody’s fool.
Editor’s note: Just in case you did not notice the April Fool’s labeling and the absurd nature of this satire, please understand that this is an entirely fictional work. Yes, we pretty much made it all up, just as a certain paper occasionally likes to do about us as their lead “news” on page one.