April Fool’s: Vail man’s confessions shatter marriage
Vail, CO Colorado
VAIL, Colorado – A Vail woman has asked for an annulment, saying her husband withheld crucial information about his habits.
Leslie Parker, 26, says her marriage to Tommy Parker was going well until the night of March 6.
“Tommy asked me if I wanted to join his kickball team,” Parker said, tears welling up in her eyes. “I was like ‘kickball?’ Who does that?”
Tommy Parker admitted he had been part of an office kickball team for three years. Leslie was “devastated.”
“I didn’t know people over the age of seven could even play kickball,” she said. “But I should have recognized the warning signs. When Tommy asked me out on our second date, he wasn’t sure whether to hang out or finish an online poker tournament. He decided to finish the tournament.”
Parker says a series of confessions slowly eroded her marriage.
The first incident happened on Dec. 1.
“I asked Tommy if he wanted to go out to dinner, and he just got quiet,” Leslie said. “He said he had a bowling tournament that night. Bowling.”
Leslie heard about husbands who had stupid hobbies. In fact, her best friend, Tina Smith, walked in on her husband painting soldier figurines. The husband broke down and said he had been planning to go to a statewide Civil War re-enactment convention that summer. Smith had no choice but to file for divorce.
“I just . ..I never thought it would happen to me,” Leslie Parker said.
On Jan. 3, another revelation rocked the Parker marriage. The couple had gone to Beaver Creek Mountain for a day of skiing.
“We were skiing down Gold Dust when all of the sudden I noticed Tommy’s heel wasn’t attached to the ski,” Leslie Parker said. “I asked him what was happening and he said he was telemarking. I went home and looked up ‘telemarking’ online. I just broke down. From then on, any time I saw another woman with a husband on normal skis, I was like ‘Why can’t that be me?'”
Leslie Parker said she dreamed of having children with Tommy Parker until a chance comment crushed her hopes. The pair was shopping at Sports Authority when they accidentally walked down the bicycle aisle.
“I saw Tommy staring at this thing that looked like a small tent,” Leslie Parker said. “He said ‘I want to buy one of those when we have kids.’ I thought ‘How nice. He wants to take our kids camping.'”
On closer inspection, Leslie Parker realized it wasn’t a tent. It was an attachment for bicycles. A picture on the box showed the wheeled tent attached to the back of a bike, with two children riding inside the tent.
“I just burst into tears,” Leslie Parker said. “I had seen people riding their bikes down Highway 6, pulling one of these baby contraptions behind them. There wasn’t even a shoulder. Cars had to swerve to avoid running over the babies. I no longer felt like I had anything in common with my husband.”
Three weeks later, the Parkers were forced to seek couples therapy after an incident in their master bedroom. Leslie Parker returned home from a “girls’ night” when she caught her husband doing the most pointless thing she had ever seen.
“I walked into the bedroom and he coughed, and changed the channel on the TV real quick, like he was trying to hide something,” she said. “I grabbed the remote and hit the ‘last’ button.”
The image will forever haunt Leslie Parker.
“He was watching ‘Poker After Dark,'” she said, crying softly into a tissue. “It was a rerun.”
Hearing this testimony, an Eagle County judge ruled in favor of Leslie Parker, calling her husband’s behavior “despicable.”
The ruling galvanized women everywhere.
Tiger Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren, emerged from hiding to give statement. Nordegren admitted the Tiger scandal was an elaborate hoax.
“I fabricated the stories about Tiger cheating because I didn’t want people to know the truth,” she said. “I hit Tiger with a golf club that night because I walked in on him … playing Guitar Hero again. It was the version with all Beatles songs. I love ‘Let it Be’ but over and over? He was just… banging… on these little colored drums. A grown man. I lost it.”