April Fool’s: Vail realtors selling parallel universes
BEEMER CREEK, Colorado Time-share sales are booming nationwide now that realtors have figured out how to sell space in multiple dimensions. Technology developed in the Vail Valley Chamber of Commerces ultra-secret Realty-Propulsion Laboratory has given a realtor the flexibility to pack several owners into one unit at the same time without getting in each others way.This has really freed our realtors from the less lucrative aspects of the lunar calendar, said Minky OMalley, president of the Vail-Vail Valley Board of Vailators.Heres how it works: When owners arrive at their timeshare, they pass through a high-tech doorway much like an airport security scanner and are transported to their own private dimension to which their bags, skis and pre-ordered groceries already have been transmuted.You wont even know the other owners are there unless you happen to be Harry Potter or some kind of Jedi or whatever, OMalley said. Thats the only real problem we anticipate but how many wizards do you think can afford $500,000 for 1/12 of a suite at the Ritz-Carlton Mansionettes.I mean Harry Potter what a schlep, right? Ivan Grackl, who admits becoming a level 5 sorcerer when he played Dungeons & Dragons as kid, says his family is delighted with the parallel universe they inhabit every Christmas at the ridgetop Sunblocker Lodge in the recently gouged-out-of-the-forest Hummer Heights section of Bachelor Gulch. The only downside is sometimes the snow, yknow, on the mountain, isnt as good in one dimension as it is in the other, Grackl said. And also some of the restaurants, they dont serve the same menus throughout the various planes of being.OMalley admitted the realtors have upsold some premier dimensions and are working on creating a diversity of space-time products. Parallel universes wont exactly be parallel, she said. And that was exactly the complaint of Otto Tombraider, an investment banker who owns a portion of what he said his realtor called a fixer-upper dimension at the Shadowcaster Lodge in Elbowhead. Tombraider claims to have been flung unknowingly into a Bizarro Vail where the lift tickets costs $25, I got lunch on the mountain for $5 and giant poison-spewing marmots came flying out of the sky in the Back Bowls.Well, maybe it wasnt so terrible, Tombraider said. I mean, you gotta take the good with the bad save a few bucks, get vaporized by a merciless space rat.Gouda Knucklebaum, outreach coordinator for the Board of Vailators, said that while the technology is being guarded closely, the board hasnt ruled out sharing a no frills version with Eagle County for use in affordable housing projects. Beagle County Commissioner Deiter Funion says he is excited about the idea because future affordable housing communities would require much less space if residents could be dispersed among the space-time continuum. But, he added, some kinks need to be worked out before the technology can be widely implemented. We had a test unit but we seem to have lost the family somewhere on the astral plane, Funion says. They went in, but they havent come out. So, yknow, were concerned.I mean, this valley is already losing valuable workers, we cant afford to be launching them irretrievably into wormholes.
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VAIL — The lift operator in the maze at Vail Village’s Gondola One tilts his head back and hollers: “Masks up please!”