April Fool’s: Vail unveils ‘Riff-Raff Pass’
VAIL – Vail Resorts wants to make Front Range skiers and snowboarders an offer they can’t refuse. Don’t park in town and get deeply discounted skiing almost anywhere – except Vail. Vail Resorts Wednesday unveiled its new, $299.99 “Riff-Raff Pass,” which gives skiers and snowboarders and other dregs of humanity who can prove they live anywhere from Ft. Collins to Denver to Trinidad, unlimited skiing at any resort in the world, minus Vail and Beaver Creek mountains. “This pass will allow Vail Mountain to focus on its core, destination guests while giving our neighbors on the Front Range the opportunity to explore all of the almost-as-good-as-Vail mountains the world has to offer,” said Viggo Cheddar, Vail Resorts vice president for strategic strategies and strategizing. “It’s a clear win-win, though Front Rangers who really like Vail may lose.” Purchase of a “Riff-Raff Pass” also would prohibit a skier and snowboarder from buying any other Vail or Beaver Creek Mountain passes other than a single day “Elway Is An Idiot Pass” for $250. Industry insiders, who just two years ago called Vail Resorts’ Epic Pass a stroke of ski industry genius, were somewhat baffled by the new offer. Ziggy Kegstand – a former Vail Resorts lift operator who now reports on the industry via a lightly-read Tweeter feed -said the “Riff-Raff Pass” would clear the frontage roads of Front Rangers and their Suburbans, but could rob the the town of any remaining trace of “authentic ski town feel.” “I mean, without the Joe and Janey Sixpacks in their Broncos jerseys and CU parkas,” Kegstand says. “Vail becomes some twisted, ivory-tower hybrid of Disneyland and Beverly Hills patrol stomp out any sign of good old ski-town rowdiness.:” Opulencia Peacock, owner of the Gilded Ferret fur shop on Bridge Street, said the Riff-Raff Pass would clear the streets of economically useless skiers and snowboarders who go from their cars to the slopes and back home to Littleton and Lakewood without spending a dime in any local shops.”I think this is great – no more rowdy deadbeats in Broncos jerseys or CU parkas standing in front of my shop windows blocking the views of the real shoppers with real money to spend on full-length furs and platinum one-pieces,” Peacock said. “Those dimwits from Denver leave noseprints on my windows cause they’re too drunk too stand – noseprints!”I mean where are the buzzkill patrol when you need them?”Cooper Bland, a 24-year-old snowboarder and assistant manager of a Best Buy from Thornton, said he is strongly considering buy a “Riff-Raff Pass” though he isn’t sure why. “Well, I mean, I really dig huckin’ in Blue Sky and whatnot but on the other hand, I mean, well, whaterver, man, y’know I mean?” he said.An unnamed Vail Chamber of Commerce Representive, reached via cell phone at a beach in the British Virgin Islands, said “This has been a long time comin’, I told those f*&#in’ idiots years ago -But the connection was lost.