APRIL FOOL’S: Vail Valley dog group demands more rights
Vail Daily Wastewater Treatment Supervisor
Vail, CO Colorado
VAIL, Colorado ” Bears, deer and marmots don’t clean up after themselves in Colorado’s Vail Valley, so why should dogs?
That’s the argument being made by a radical new animal rights group in the Vail Valley that’s fighting for the repeal of local laws that make them pick up their dogs’ poop and dispose of it.
“Freedom of defecation is enshrined in the Constitution,” said Val Bobbleheadsworth, president and chief executive officer of Doo-Doo Defenders. She owns two bichon-Rottweiler mixes, a great Dane and a wolf-hybrid named Princess.
“The Founding Fathers didn’t fight the revolution so the government could make a million rules,” said Bobbleheadsworth, a part-time snow-plow driver and hunting guide. “Plus, how’s anybody supposed to pick up poop when you’ve got texts messages to write ” I mean, if I’m kneeling over with one of those gross doggie bags I might miss the call about what time the gals are meeting for cocktails.”
Jasper Sleet, a longtime Vail Valley ski instructor who’s on his 18th black Lab, said he was disgusted by the Doo-Doo Defenders’ efforts.
“I’m the kind of guy that wipes it up if my dog so much as drools on the bike path,” said Sleet, who also carries empty sport bottles into which he claims he’s trained his dog to urinate.
Doo-Doo Defenders, not surprisingly, also wants Eagle County and its towns to repeal all leash laws, voice control laws and dog-registration fees, says Prune DePoptart, the group’s director of community outreach.
“I mean how’s my Fluffy going to run and say ‘Hi’ to strangers if she’s shackled to a leash?” DePoptart said. “She gets such joy out of running free through the slush and mud and then making friends with one of our neighbors.”
Fluffy is a St. Bernard-wild boar mix who weighs 170 pounds and has been known to eat kittens, birds and small deer.
“It’s just soooo cute ” she puts her paws up on your shoulders, rubs her belly against yours and licks your face,” DePoptart says. “She’s such a friendly little thing.”
Having to register your private pet and, in fact, the entire notion of “Animal Control,” is “pretty much socialism,” adds Zorro Batblister, the group’s chief financial officer and a proud veteran of the Grenada invasion.
He says he’s proud to let his dog, General Patton, run free during the day while he’s at work as the sole employee of the defunct Eagle Mine. General Patton is half pit bull, half Buffalo, weighs more than 200 pounds and “loves kids,” Batblister says.
“I think he spends most of his day in the Freedom Park playground ” and he just loves the spraypark,” Batblister says.
Chaz Carabiner, a local father of three who spends lots of time at the playground, says General Patton is a menace, but he doesn’t blame the dog.