APRIL FOOL’S Vail: We can’t bury I-70, so we’ll drown it out

Augustus Glockenspiel

Vail’s is well known for classical music in the summer. Now, it’s time to rock all year long.The Vail Town Council this week voted 5-2, with Rod Slifer and Kent Logan opposed, to hire three formerly hirstute bands from the 1980s to drown out the noise from Interstate 70.”It’s obvious we’re not going to be able to bury I-70,” said Councilman Greg Moffet, who has long battled highway noise in Vail. “Hiring these guys is cheaper than burying the highway, and some of the songs are pretty good.”Best-known of the washed-up trio is Def Leppard, that English band with the one-armed drummer that scored a major U.S. hit with “Pour Some Sugar on Me.”Following the high-fructose lust theme, the band Warrant, which found its biggest success with the song “Cherry Pie” and its accompanying salacious video, will share the stage – to be built atop the pedestrian overpass over I-70 – with Def Leppard.Filling in on Monday nights will be L.A. Guns, a little known heavy metal band that was somehow spun off of the far more famous Guns n’ Roses.”Man, it’s great to have a steady gig again,” said Leppard’s drummer, whose name escapes us. “We can get off the road, and that up-in-the-air stage will be more rockin’ than when we played Wembley in ’87!”For those who don’t care for 1980s-vintage pop-metal played by balding men with permanent hearing loss, the town will provide noise-blocking headsets.”It’s kind of too bad; I wanted Pink Floyd and a laser show,” said Councilwoman Kim Ruotolo. “But if enough people pick up headsets, it would look really cool, kind of like the future.”As for the future of Vail’s more quiet music, the hair bands have been promised days off during orchestra concerts put on by the Caramba! Colorado music festival.”I’ll admit it’s an imperfect solution,” councilman Dick Cleveland said. “But if I’m going to have constant noise outside, it might as well have a good backbeat and a smokin’ guitar solo.”Vail, Colorado

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