APRIL FOOL’S: Vail’s cooling, not warming
Vail Daily Right-Wing Conspirator
Vail, CO Colorado
VAIL, Colorado “-It turned out that by some weird coincidence, the numbers came out backward, the charts upside down ” Vail, Colorado and the rest of world are not headed toward global warming. Nope. Hell is freezing over.
The fundamentals remain sound, but, well, the scientists misinterpreted the data. The Earth is headed toward global cooling.
Turns out the Republicans were right. Rush Limbaugh is chortling. Al Gore says he knew this all along, and is working on his new movie, “A Really Inconvenient Goof.”
This stunning news developed in Vail, of course, where anything can happen. Long forgotten celebrities can still get on television. A-Rod can have his hip worked on with nary a mention of, er, Roger Clemens. Kobe can find the inspiration to buy his wife that really nice diamond ring. Richard Perle can still insist that those WMDs certainly are in Iraq and will be found any day now. Vail and Beaver Creek can boast of fabulous entertainment venues named after a lesser investment cheat than B. Madoff.
Here’s how it came to pass: The International Climatic Scientists Honor Society decided it would be a great idea to take advantage of some last-minute lodging packages, along with the Epic Passes the Boulder branch had secured before the season, to enjoy what they imagined to be one of the last opportunities to ski, given what their research had shown. There would be some of those standard lectures that make the doom and gloom recession look like a sunny day, some fine food, playing in endangered snow, generally a good time.
And the weather should be warmer, right?
Wrong. It was miserably cold, although the unexpected powder days were great for those who bundled up. Snow fall breaking records. The snowpack breaking records. The weatherman calling for cold, colder and even colder each day.
Finally, one of the scientists, a rare McCain supporter incidentally, took the podium after another freezing day on the mountain ” one of those shaker-globe, windy, blizzardy, ice-frozen-on-the-beard days.
Here’s what he said: “Global warming, my ass.”
So he and other top echelon scientists went back to their labs to recheck those projections, reboot those computers, restudy those charts.
The rest is history.
The Republicans now say only fossil fuels can save the planet. Fly to Vail. Fly everywhere. Expand the carbon footprint, it’s the patriotic thing to do. Coal is back, along with Hummers and good old American plastic bags.
Commercials now urge offices and homes to set the heat at 80, the air conditioner at 55. Why ride a bicycle when a Harley helps mankind? Bigger is better. GM rules again.
Turns out that the Epic Pass was even more fabulous than anyone had imagined. It’s the marketing tool that changed everything. No Epic Pass might have led the Boulder branch to, god forbid, Aspen, where there’s always so much hot air that the scientists never would have gotten a whiff of their big mistake, never felt the tell-tale chill, never had that defining moment at the podium.
Flash forward just a few years and all is as it should be in Vail. Parking spaces fetching $1 million, the second-home ratio gone to 90 percent, Solaris already tearing down in favor of a taller complex so residents may see over the new Pepi’s.
And the snow keeps falling, deeper and deeper each year. The snowmakers still run, of course, but only in July.
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In Eagle County, the most commonly reported dead bird has been the Wilson’s warbler, which is yellow. Dead yellow-rumped warblers have also been a common sight.