April Fool’s: Windmills attract spacemen
Vail, CO Colorado
VAIL ” A flying saucer demolished the beloved Covered Bridge, scared the hell out of countless tourists and amused some stoned snowboarders Saturday evening when it crashed landed in Gore Creek.
Shofar 9 Shofar, the two-headed cyborg commander of the spaceship, said through an interpreter ” one of the stoned snowboarders who claimed to understand him ” that he and his crew had followed the glowing lights of the windmills on Vail’s golf course to Earth from a three-week commitment at the fizzy turnip baths of the Scooter Libby Galaxy.
“We were there to referee the pan-dimensional Slurpee brewing contest when we saw the spinning lights and thought, ‘Gee, we better learn a thing or two about your curious wind power,'” Shofar 9 Shofar said. “Y’know, just in case you plan to use this power to steal our precious sock puppets.”
While his crew members were exchanging heads with each other, incinerating obnoxious Texans and eating gondola cars, Shofar 9 Shofar explained that his home planet’s chief source of nutrition, energy and wagering is the sock puppets that grow naturally on one of its moons.
But before he could elaborate, another spacecraft ” shaped like a garlic press and oozing an actual garlic-like goo ” slammed into the Vista Bahn chairlift, spilling out its crew, a batch of slimy, toad-like and very obnoxious, but very colorful creatures who were singing show tunes.
“We are an elite squad of inter-galactic cocktail specialists,” croaked Commodore Z-Nerf Tubafertizlier. “We thought this would be a perfect garnish for the ‘Boiling Kitten Vaporizer,’ a drink popular with the Kazoo Troopers who live on the Yoga Pants Islands of Aldeberan.”
The crew’s removal of the windmills lured an angry second-home owner onto the golf course, who, while waving a six iron, berated the small toad-like creatures about “small-town character” and “mountain ambiance.”
“When I bought my home I bought a serene resort property, not some kind of pan-galactic flophouse where any three-nosed Betelgeusean can dock his space heap for the night,” said the second-home owner, Gormley Rabbit-Pajamas IV.
“See what happens ” we approve Crossroads, build a Wal-Mart and an alpine slide, and suddenly every low-class creature from Fomalhaut to the Porkrind System to the moons of Gazpacho 7 decides to spend a few days in Vail. I mean ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH …”
Rabbit-Pajamas then had several vital organs sucked out through the pores of his elbow by an enormous blob-like alien who arrived on an intergalactic pogo-stick, the pounding of which carved several reservoirs out of the Gore Range, solving Colorado’s water storage problem for several centuries (if mankind lasts that long).
The creature, who identified itself as Karlrovesajerk, then plucked a windmill out of the ground and began cleaning his teeth.
“Spotted these laser toothpicks all the way from Orion’s underpants,” Karlrovesajerk roared, ruining several wine-and-cheese fundraisers being held in the vicinity. “And I had a lotta rich loudmouths stuck in my teeth from all over the universe.”
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