Beam me up, Adam Aron |

Beam me up, Adam Aron

Heavy C
Photo illustration by Jon Scharfencamp Vail Resorts has unexpectedly aroused Star Trek fans around the world with its plan to build a molecular transporter to move skiers and snowboarders around the Back Bowls. Above is the draft of a promotional poster featuring chief executive Adam Aron (klingon on right) that may be hung at Coors Field this season.

In a never-ending push to move skiers faster and faster around Vail Mountain, Chief Operating Officer Bill Jensen has announced the ski company’s plans for a Star Trek-like transporter.

“Remember earlier in the season when we said, ‘Hey, how about building a new lift in the Sun Down Bowl? Not!'”

“Well,” he added, “you could say this transporter idea sprouted from that.”

The public decried the addition of an entirely new, high-speed lift in the Sun Down Bowl, saying they wanted their legendary Back Bowl experience to remain unchanged and their powder untracked. And the skico said they were just joshin’ about the idea, anyway.

“This isn’t a lift, and we are not even really building anything. So we don’t have to deal with those sticklers at the Forest Service. No ‘development agreement’ is going to squash this proposal,” Jensen said.

The transporter works exactly like the one on the classic sci-fi television series “Star Trek.” It uses a beam that at point A captures a person’s pattern, dematerializes him or her, and carries that person to point B, where the transporter reconstructs the person.

It can even pass the person through barriers along the way, like lodge pole pines. All of the re-materialized atoms and molecules, including those making up the snowsliders skis or snowboard, are somehow disassembled and then put back in the precisely correct positions, with the right temperatures and adhering together just as if the transportee had not been dematerialized.

It sounds like fantasy talk similar to the monorail, but Vail Resorts says it will have a working model by the end of the summer and they welcome locals to try it out.

“Everything’s coming up re-materialized,” Vail Resorts Chief Executive Adam Aron said. “We want locals to be our guinea pigs, uh, I mean first to try this state-of-the-art technology. We won’t be just world-class anymore, we’re shooting for inter-galactic.”

Although the Forest Service has no official gripes about the proposal, Eagle’s Bill Heicher says it can’t be good to disassemble a human body.

“This may not have any impact on the environment, per se, but what does it do to your bowels?”

Trekker momentum is building across the country in chatrooms and Web sites about Vail’s transporter. And from the look of it, Vail had better pray for quick construction of a conference center if there’s to be a place to house all those Vulcan-ear wearing sci-fi afficionados.

“I will be first in line to try the transporter,” said Kevin Graymatter. “It has been my dream to be beamed up by a transporter ever since I bought my first pair of Vulcan ears 20 years ago. It’s not the U.S.S. Enterprise, but golly it’s close.”

Graymatter isn’t a local, he lives in Kansas, where, while wearing his Star Fleet commanding officer’s uniform, he practices dentistry with his wife, Jane, who prefers to be called “Uhura.”

“I don’t leave home without my rank pips, tricorder, phaser or communicator badge,” Graymatter said.

Graymatter is just one of thousands planning to visit the Vail Valley this summer to experience the transporter first hand. Vail Resorts officials admit to not figuring in the Trekkie factor, assuming that exercise and obsession with all things Trekabilia didn’t correlate.

But since catching wind of the size of Star Trek’s fan base, Aaron is pleasantly surprised with the profit-making opportunity.

“Trek heads are a demographic we never thought about tapping into,” Aaron said. “I guess I’ll need to learn to speak Klingon next.”

Support Local Journalism