Believe all you see on TV, or not | VailDaily.com

Believe all you see on TV, or not

In my never ending quest to provide you – the Happy Valley (voting) public – with unbiased political views toward one-sided issues, I recently spent an entire afternoon (OK, maybe it only 15 minutes or so) watching a presidential candidate desperately attempting to sway voters on the boob toob.Am I dedicated or what?Strug-gling to maintain my digital dignity, I observed the man in abysmal action, strutting onto the Philadelphia stage like a proud peacock to the soulful disco sounds of Sister Sledge’s “We are Family.” I’d like to tell you that it was the good Rev. Al Sharpton masquerading with a campaign speech that in actuality was a kickoff rally for his new reality TV show, “I Hate My Job.” But alas, it was not. Nope, this was Sen. John-John Kerry in a kickoff rally for that wholly owned subsidiary of the Democratic Party known as the NAACP.For a solid 10 minutes ol’ Droopy Dawg delivered punch line after nauseating punch line about why President Bush was not standing on the same podium promising the same lame babble that he was about to promise. Totally devoid of substance, he continued with the standard “chicken in every pot” (or maybe it was “pot in every chicken”) taglines that seem to suit most liberal politicians during election season. You know the kind I mean, those “empathetic spirits” that offer solution-free elucidations to entitlement-minded crowds of frenzied lunatics foaming at the mouth over “the enemy” while convincing one another of why the federal government “owes” them a better life.Thankfully, the revolting speech was interrupted by a commercial just before my homemade egg-and-cheese burrito with extra hot sauce came face to face with my TV screen.As fate would have it, though, the commercial contained the following phrases in quick succession: born in Colorado, husband, father, hunter, hockey player, tough prosecutor, advocate for kids, man of faith, veteran, and a few other descriptive notations usually reserved only for the dead awaiting sainthood or celebrities awaiting premieres of their latest can’t-miss blockbuster.Yep, it was a John-John campaign ad.Again attempting to remain open-minded toward the man, I carefully analyzed each phrase independently.”Born in Colorado.” Yeah, well, so are almost 70,000 other folks each year. I wonder if the East Coast version begins, “Born in Boston …””Husband.” Just proves that with enough money, sometimes even a woman is willing to wear beer goggles.”Father.” Congratulations, the man had sex.”Hunter.” This one really threw me. The guy stands as much chance of winning the support of the NRA as Michael Moore.”Hockey player.” Canadians can’t vote in our elections.”Tough prosecutor.” A lawyer in D.C. Who’d a thunk?”Advocate for kids.” Is there a candidate anywhere known as “Enemy of Children”?”Man of faith.” I have faith that the sun will shine tomorrow, regardless of clouds. But other than that, I still recall our government as being secular. Besides, didn’t the pope say no more wine and wafers for this guy?”Veteran.” With around 19 million other veterans currently living in the United States, I can understand the appeal. But to date I still have not met a single one who is pro-Kerry. Certainly they must exist, somewhere. I’m just not sure on which planet they currently reside. So to make sure I have it straight, this ad appeals to those born in the USA that are now married and having sex, killing animals for sport, playing sports for exercise, hate bad guys, love kids, believe in a higher power, and at one point in their lives went to boot camp.That certainly clears it up for me.This was followed by yet another campaign ad with the other John who demanded of all those who dare question the first John’s ability to defend a country spend three minutes with guys who spent time with No. 1 in Vietnam.Three minutes, hmmmmm.You think it’s a coincidence that that’s exactly how long it takes for a perfect soft-boiled egg or a single round in boxing? Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg address in just under three minutes.Anyway, the ad shows three men, presumably the only three who served with Kerry who still respect the man, implying that one minute per guy is all it takes for each of them to say, “Vote for Kerry, please.”I must be missing something.But have no fear, for I will continue to pay diligent attention to all candidates for the next three and a half months, and follow each worthwhile observation with rhetorical comments for you to chew on for the day.Save your thanks for the night of Nov. 2.Richard Carnes of Edwards writes a weekly column for the Daily. He can be reached at poor@vail.net




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