Biff America: Blood suckers and books |

Biff America: Blood suckers and books

Jeffrey Bergeron
Biff America
Vail, CO Colorado

I did not want to fight with that teenage girl.

It wasn’t that I thought I couldn’t take her, I must have out weighed her by 70 pounds and I definitely had a reach advantage. Of course, I might have underestimated her. Despite her slight frame and bookish appearance, she looked at me through her Harry Potter glasses with the intensity of an angry badger.

“This book is mine,” she snarled, “I just put it down so I could get my money out of my purse.”

Saying this, she grabbed at the book I was holding. She held one side I had the other.

“I’m sorry,” I answered, “Could you tell me where in the store you found it? I want to buy a copy.”

It seems I was a little slow to release the tome so she yanked it out my hands, held it to her chest and said defiantly, “This is the last copy.”

Had I known that, I might have engaged in a debate of book store etiquette but I saw her mother approaching. Trying to make nice I said, “Don’t you just love those books? I’ve read the first three in less than two weeks. I can’t wait to see what happens in book four.”

The mother missed this exchange and asked, “Are you buying the book for your daughter?” The little girl answered for me: “No” she barked, “he is buying them for himself, he just told me.”

There was no way to get out of this gracefully so I just asked the woman behind the counter, in a loud voice, where I might find “The Idiot” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky.

I left the store with “The Idiot” and felt like one as well. As soon as I got outside, I took out my cell phone. I had several friends with teenage daughters and knew one of them would have the fourth book of the “Twilight Saga” by Stephanie Meyer – books written for teenage girls and middle age men and women. Though I can’t call them fine works of literature, I’m addicted.

During one of those cold dark days of the holiday season my mate and I stumbled into a Sunday matinee at our local movie theater. We knew little about what was playing except it was some sort of vampire flick.

The theater was packed with pimples and training bras.

The movie “Twilight/New Moon” covered the first two books of the Twilight Saga. It was about a young girl who fell in love with a vampire who loved her back. Normally this would be a recipe for disaster because vampires live off human blood and when you couple that with pubescent angst and acne, the success rate of a human/vampire union is much the same as Tiger Wood’s current marriage.

Also in love with this young girl was this really well built werewolf who was a member of a pack of werewolves who were the mortal enemies of the vampires.

There is a fair amount of sexual tension in both the books and movie. Because this couple is young, in love and very horny, they can do little more then kiss lightly and hesitantly snuggle because if the vampire gets too excited he could inadvertently kill his girlfriend. Vampires are very strong and easily loose control during foreplay.

So, in other words, love for this couple could be deadly – much like dating in the ’80s.

As you’ll remember, the well-built werewolf also loves the young girl and he too could maul her during love but she only loves him like a dog-brother so there little danger there. But there is danger that the vampire and werewolf who are mortal enemies might kill one another over who has the right to not make love to the young gal.

Did I mention that the books are fiction?

Luckily, my friend Tara came through with the fourth book. I drove to her house from the book store and she was waiting in the yard for the hand-off.

I’ll say again, these books are not great intellectual works and that is OK because I’m not an intellectual. But I am confused why my mate is equally enthralled and she did in fact attend college. My only guess is her interest is it is a fascination with dangerous love.

Next week we are having a trapeze installed in our living room.

Jeffrey Bergeron, under the alias of Biff America, can be seen on RSN TV and read in several newspapers and magazines. He can be reached at

Biff’s book “Steep, Deep and Dyslexic” is available from local book stores or from

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